A pyramid of moms

From internet searches to People magazine the "mompreneur" is rampant. Companies like Avon, Lu La Roe, Young Living, DoTerra, Rodan + Field sell the glorious image of the happy mother, relaxing with her children; her laptop in the background assumed to be chalking up the dollar bills.

Thanks to the insidiously efficient internet advertising and marketing, upon becoming a mother, my feed was overflowing with these images.

Within my inner circle, of 6 women who became mothers in the same year I did, 4 had signed up to at least one of these get rich quick pyramid schemes and began to ask if I wanted to do the same. At times with a simple "are you interested" but on some occasions with repeated emails, invites and texts.

Full disclosure, I am signed up to one of these schemes as a Young Living wholesaler, however, I am not interested in signing up anyone below me.

In principle I have no problem with any of these companies, although I do struggle to classify any of these as entrepreneur or small business - they are barely franchises. The top dog is still a large business CEO, enjoying his third vacation this year.

Nontheless, the idea of the Avon lady dates way back, and why not, why shouldn't a mother have an income that she is free to arrange around her kids?

My problem is the way these have been packaged and sold; selling the snake oil that you can stay at home and be a full-time mother and still make enough money to take six figures at the end of the year. These cases don't exist, if they do than they are the exception that proves the rule, not the reality.

I believe our desperation for this stems back to the push of feminism to not be a mother, to keep a career, to not allow traditional gender stereotypes to define us.

I am a feminist.

I was raised to believe I could achieve anything I put my mind to. When it came to serious dating I was raised to earn enough to support myself and another. To put myself not on equal ground to, but to be the dominant partner and provider.

I was encouraged to finish not one, but two degrees ... just because. I could do a Masters, because I had time, opportunity and smarts to do it.

I was expected to pay my way just as my brother had; to contribute to my education and, when it came to getting my first job, to contribute to rent and bills (although it would be remiss of me not to point out how much of a soft spot my brother had for me and how minimal he made those contributions).

When I started on reception, making copies and fetching coffee for the boss, I was surrounded by strong, emboldened European women who encouraged me to climb the corporate ladder quickly. In under 2 years I was promoted four times and, when the opportunity arose to take my Senior Project Manager role to Denver, Colorado, I was told "good luck" and "we'll miss you". No one ever said "you can't" or "isn't it time you settled down?".

In April 2015 my daughter arrived. An unexpected but welcomed pregnancy. I was faced with a choice - would I return to my career, or would I embraced motherhood full-time.

Both were exciting and appealing.

I chose to become a full-time mummy. I knew it would impact my career and I had to turn down not one, but two, $170,000 opportunities to do it.

I negotiated a contract position to continue to make some money, and more importantly to keep my brain ticking.

At no point did I feel I would be making a fortune; but my work is just as valid and financially equal to a full time job. Between the costs of baby-sitting, schooling (with a private Masters' educated tutor), cooking and general household running, I contribute significantly to our household.

My point is not to tell working mothers they made the wrong choice; whether by pure choice to return to their careers, or because money would not allow otherwise - working mothers are phenomenal.

Rather, the fact is, we need to fall in one camp or another. And, we need to stop thinking (and being told directly or subtly) that either path is wrong.

In many cases we are actually told that both paths are wrong. Implicit in the "dream" scenario of being a full-time mother and still being the primary household provider are the ideas that (a) going back to work is selfish and, (b) being a full-time mother is not enough.

If you choose to earn a few extra bucks, that's great, but don't be fooled that you will be the next Joy Mangano.

This imagery prays on the modern woman's sense that she is not enough. That becoming a mother throws her back to the 1960s where everything she does and is, is just a little less than.

Even the word "mompreneur" is condescending - why are these two things combined? You can be a mother, and an entrepreneur. You can be a mother, and a career woman. You can be a mother, and maintain the household.

None of these things reduces the mother in you. We must not negate our biology, when we become mothers, we become. We are changed. Our lives will forever be entwined with another in a way no one else will understand. But they are still our lives.

"Mompreneur" ideals pray on our fears that we are not enough, that society looks down on us, that we neglect our children of our own selfish gains, that we laze about and 'stay-at-home' (I'm yet to meet one full time mother who actually has enough time at the house to define it as 'staying' at home).

It's time to reclaim our power as women.

Feminism is about the choice. The choice to be whatever we want. Career girl. Mother. Entrepreneur. All of the above.

Anna Louise is a full time mother, part time Project Manager, part time yoga instructor and owns a very small business TotsAdoarble. Anna Louise chooses to do it all.

Find Your Village

These hormones... This sleeplessness... These questions... These fears...

I've spent the last 8 years of my life working toward a level of mindfulness and presence. The ability to stay with the moment and avoid or quickly dissipate anxiety and fear. The last 2 weeks of my life have pushed me so far back to square one I hardly recognize myself or my practice.

For 9 mths my boyfriend and I planned, prepared and eagerly awaited the arrival of our first child. We crossed the t's and dotted the i's in the knowledge that it would all go out the window as soon as the baby came along to take over. In all that time however, we never built our village, we never realized how much we needed one.

On Sunday April 5th, contentedly watching The Inbetweeners, I felt my waters break. Or so I thought. Being Group B Strep positive we got our meticulously packed bags together, called our brother to come stay with the dogs, and drove over to Mount Sinai. 90 mins of traffic later and we arrive in Triage. Almost an hour after that I was discharged and told I probably just wet myself "these things happen", "yes quite possibly 3 times in under an hour."

As the clock ticked us into April 6 we arrived back home, tired and emotional with some swabs to test my fluid if it happens again. And as I stood up out of the car my waters really broke. Back we go, teary and testy to get checked in.

My honey snoozed on the recliner next to me as I'm hooked up, poked, prodded and prepared for what will come. Things came too slowly.
By 11am my contractions were regular but not strong enough and the decision was made to start the pitocin; a decision I had dreaded from day one.

With the support of my boyfriend Jerry,  the amazing nursing staff and one hell of a doula, Sasha, I breathed and moved through the next 7 hrs of contractions. 

Then something changed.

Memories are hazy at best and stressful to recount. My mind jumps from standing and coping,with pressure on my hips, to clinging for dear life to the side of the hospital bed screaming for things to be over.

With each wave of pain my body was wracked and my mind was split between allowing myself to "just be", feeling guilt for my love having to watch me, and feeling like I let myself and my practice down for not having the ability to cope with grace as I had wished.

The next few hours were some of the hardest of my life. Pain I have never experienced. Emotions that threw me. And a deep sense of not being enough.
I tapped out. Somewhere around 7pm (I think ...) I needed the relief of the epidural. Clinging to a pillow and weeping like a child I was administered the pain relief and quickly fell into a deep sleep. The hope was that I would sleep for several hours before pushing was required, unfortunately for me the epidural slipped. In my deepest sleep, looking peaceful from the outside, I was in agony but unable to call for help.  I could sense Sasha next to me and I kept wondering why she didn't hear my screams ... Of course, I wasn't making any sound. By the time I finally came around enough to ask for help I was right back in the intensity that I thought I'd left behind.
The words traumatic, terrifying, horrific seem overblown when describing labour, but they are the words I would apply to my experience. The guilt and self-judgement for using those word is high; how, after 9 mths of healthy happy baby and mummy, could one so connected with her body be so unable to cope?

After a second epidural and a few more intense contractions pushing began. Oh sweet relief. I could have pushed all day. My healthy happy baby had other plans though ... I should have known, an Aries after all!  Baby was lodged behind my pelvis with a twisted head. No amount of pushing was going to get through and as the heart rate started to bounce all over the chart I did something I never imagined - I called my own C Section.

Within minutes I was shaking on the Operating table, desperately waiting for Jerry to be scrubbed up and by my side.
So many questions passed through me - did I make the right choice? did I let myself and my baby down? If I had been a stronger woman would things have gone differently?

At 11.28pm, Monday 6 April, my beautiful baby girl Cosima Rose was born. She was 8lbs 10ounces of perfection, and melted mine and daddy's heart from her first breath.

There are no words to describe the explosion of love we have for this little girl. I could talk for days about the look on Daddy's face when he saw her. I could share the preciousness of her being. But all these things are recounted time and again ... And all these things do not detract from the trauma of the experience. That's the hard part. The taboo. How do I express my fears and anxieties when I have this beautiful bundle in my arms?

The next few days were a whirlwind of sleepless nights, checks, and family visits. At night I couldn't close my eyes as I was processing what had just happened. During the day there was too much going on.

The day of discharge arrived and, frankly, I went to pieces. My emotion, the change of environment, our lack of knowledge led to Cosima's first night of screams and tears. Unable to properly move, unsure why she wouldn't let us put her down for a second and exhausted, we were terrified. It was in that moment that I realized that we needed a support system ...

At 4am we texted Sasha and fought back the tears explaining we just didn't know what to do. The sweet relief of hearing "this is not the new normal" and "this too shall pass" was enough in that moment to quell the feeling of drowning. Within a few hours we had a postpartum doula on her way and some light at the end of the tunnel.

The next few days were a blur of tears, sleepless nights and the slow recounting of everything we'd just been though.

Sasha worked with me to understand that all labours are intense, mine was especially intense, and I did everything right.

My Dr reminded me that there was no way Cosima was coming naturally, my call for the C Section saved me and her a lot of unnecessary stress and she only wished she'd know 30 hrs earlier.

Jess, our post partum doula, helped overnight so we could nap. Allowed Jerry and I our first real cuddles again. Helped me breast feed, bathe, change and settle Cosima. Allowed me to be okay with the fact that Cosima does need a lot of touch right now and my job is to snuggle her and rest as much as possible.

Grandma stayed and cuddled her first Grandbaby allowing mummy to move, rest, and cuddle her puppies again.

Granny and Aunty over in England texted and called daily to check on Mummy and baby.

Without these women in my life I cannot tell you what I would have done.
We no longer live with extended families who can share the extensive responsibilities of raising a baby. I particularly feel this as I am so far away from my home in England.
These women helped me build that support back. They allowed me to return to the present moment, to understand the importance of my health to my baby's, and to ask for help in the right way. They started my village and continue to help me build it daily.

I have been able to talk through my experience. It still troubles me. But I feel more grounded with things as they are.
I have been able to embrace and cherish the support of our families, and to clearly state what I need to get through each day.

17 days in and I am riding the waves of joy, sadness, fear and exhaustion. I am ok with that. I am ok because I can feel the underlying love that surrounds me and my baby.

It's difficult to accept things as they are. For me, "as they are" means a battered and bruised, scared, but overwhelmingly blessed to have a net of support to catch me.

2015 Intentions | January : Change

The start of a fresh year always encourages a sense of reflection and of goal setting for the future. Sadly, many people lose sight of their goals, they become frustrated with the time and patience needed to enact a change, and resolutions get washed out of our lives the way the holiday decorations are thrown by the curbside.

This month I, along with my wonderful students at ShambhalaYoga and Dance, Brooklyn, and Earth Yoga, NYC, are working on reinforcing the changes we wish to encourage into our lives, and approaching change in a more methodical and practical way.

Early January started with the simple intention of changing something physical on our mats. Simply remembering and reinforcing, that change, in fact, can be small and simple.

The little changes; re-firming a back foot in Warrior I, smoothing breath in Half Pigeon Pose, calming the mind in Camel pose, really can make the most dramatic differences. The challenge of changing an established pattern (Sankalpa) can be overwhelming, until we realize that the whole-scale change or goal we are striving for, does not have to happen overnight. If we take a step back to acknowledge how long the current Sankalpa has taken to embed itself, we must allow ourselves equally as long, if not longer, to gently change that behaviour and pattern. Compassion is key.

Our second week focused on changing our mindset to difficult pose. Throughout our practice there always will be asana that we loathe. The places that for physical, mental or emotional reasons make us feel so out of our depth and we fight them at every turn.

The Yoga Journal broke down 7 easy steps to turn around this mindset in this great article. 

My personal favourite step here is the idea of being open and playful with ourselves :

“Cultivate playfulness. Bringing curiosity, lightness, and self-acceptance into your practice can have a huge impact. Just as Baron Baptiste did with Garudasana, make peace with the poses that frustrate you rather than fighting to master them.”

As we learn to take ourselves less seriously, we learn to back off and experience the journey. In this space the true changes start to take place.

If we can start to change the voices in our head that tell us we cannot, should not, will not, than we can start to change everything. Those are our toughest demons to face.

Once we find some comfort with changing a physical pose, and our beliefs about a physical pose, we can begin to chip a little deeper under the surface.

This week we will look at how to change a personal belief. How do we define ourselves by what we have been telling ourselves over the years? Why do we hang so much of our ‘personality’ on the beliefs we have held?

Can we feel empowered to make change that is so deeply tied to our identity and self-worth? Can we understand that what has gone before does not matter, we are not bound by our history; rather, we form our own future.

Finally we will explore how we acknowledge and accept the changes that are happening in our lives that feel out of our control. Seeing change, whether it is instigated by ourselves or not, can always bring positive growth and progress.

If you want to make a change in your life, start by asking yourself the following:

• What do I want to change?
• Be clear, concise and reasonable
• Why do I want to make this change?
• What is your true motivation? Be honest. Is your motivation strong enough to help you when things are difficult and your patience is wearing thin? 
• Where am I today?
• Really look at your current state. Ask a friend for their honest opinion. Understanding how far you have to go will help you to build real expectations and mini-goals along the way.
• Am I tied to the goal?
• As we change, everything about us changes, physically, mentally and emotionally. Our goal may no longer be appropriate, are we okay letting go of that destination and enjoying the journey? Can we relax into the knowledge that just working toward something helps us grow and progress and that is enough?

Most importantly, know that the process has already begun. In simply thinking about and setting your intention to make a change, you have set the change in motion. Relax in that knowledge. It’s all already happening.

Slow Down

The trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit. ~ Moliere

  

Exhale.

Pause.

Exhale again. 

Do you feel what’s left?

Are we in such a rush these days that we only do things “just enough”, even down to our breath, leaving behind toxins and tension instead of fully releasing and surrendering?

Watching videos of 30 minute yoga sequences compressed to fit on Instagram feels jarring to me. Yes the flow is exotic, the bodies are beautiful, the postures challenging, but something key is missing.

The long nourishing inhale; the sweet slow exhale.

Do these key elements of the practice just take too long for social media to bear? I wonder how this rush, the need for faster, quicker, better, in the information superhighway that takes up more and more of our “leisure time” is impacting our reality...

In an age of 15 second videos and 144 characters have we forgotten how to completely let go?

I am not downplaying social media at all, I love to keep up with distant friends and family via Facebook, to gain inspiration from other yogis on Instagram, heck I even blog once in a while. What I need to know is that the practice isn't becoming a means to a cool 'selfie', that the ever increasing group of athletic awesome yogis is using it to move toward balance, and not just toward the next arm balance.

I see it more and more in class, some sort of staccato march from one posture to the next. Witnessing students muscle in and out as quickly as possible as though it were a check list they had to complete. It’s time to refocus on the stillness, externally and internally. To relish in the realization that within stillness so much is changing and growing; physically yes, but importantly mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Put simply, I’d rather see 15 seconds of a simple transition from Warrior I to Warrior II, with breath, with control, than a compressed 30 minute practice showing off your most complex transitions. That’s not to say don’t show me your 30 minutes, just know that I’m okay watching it in real-time, I’m okay spending 30 minutes learning from you.

I want to see you go slow, take your time, lavish in the detail of what you’re doing and most of all, breathe.

Applying yoga thought to yoga auditions

You'd think it was obvious: yoga studio owners and managers will behave in manner appropriate to the yogic path right?

Hmm, in this day and age of a studio on every corner, and yoga "corporations" popping up left, right and centre ... not so much.

You can tell a lot about a studio and their ethos by how they audition you and interact with you when applying for teaching posts. Over the past 5 months I have responded to countless posts about yoga openings across the city. Of those I responded to I've been invited to numerous auditions. As someone without any background in dance, singing or acting, I really had no pre-conceptions about attending an audition, it was a little daunting but merely because of the pressure I placed on myself to be teaching as soon as possible. What I was not expecting were the extremes of the audition experience.

My audition experiences have been diverse to say the least.
From the fantastic : welcoming, friendly one-on-one chats in a back room, subbing standing classes at a peak time or teaching a new studio owner and his partner-in-crime in his living room.

Shout out to my personal teaching spots CorePower Yoga, Shambhala Yoga & Dance, Earth Yoga NYC and Church Avenue Yoga & Bodywork Center - there's a reason I am excited to turn up at your studios to work, you make me feel like part of a community and treat me with such grace and respect, and it started right at the audition process.

   

   

To the obnoxious : 50 other students, 3 minutes a piece, trying to fit in each others flows and practice in a highly competitive, awkward environment.

To the frankly ... creepy : being asked to come take a class and being watched as I practice (from behind I'll add) along with 3 other girls, only to be ignored in the studio and emailed later to come take another class to be watched again. ... No, I did not go back.

With this in mind, whether you're a current studio owner, looking to own a studio in the future, or a teacher looking for spots here are my Yamas and Niyamas of Yoga Auditions.

For the Managers and Owners:

Practice Ahimsa (non-violence) : treat your potential teachers with respect, allow them to warm up before asking them to jump into a disjointed flow taught by other teachers, acknowledge they may be nervous. And for goodness sake acknowledge them!

Practice Satya (truth / honesty) : be honest, ALWAYS be honest. If you only intend to hire from within do not audition others to simply "fill space". Be aware that teachers may have turned down paying spots to be with you. Be honest with what you are looking for before you book the audition.

Practice Asteya (non-stealing) : Do not waste teachers' time. They are there for you, they are interested in you - do not keep them waiting and do give them fair time to demonstrate their craft. If they are auditioning you are not texting or talking (yep, I've had that experience and it left a really bad taste)

Practice Brahmacharya (moderation) : Simple. 30 teachers in a room with 2 minutes to teach is too much. You can't remember everyone, they can't take enough time to settle themselves let alone demo how wonderful they are.

Practice Aparigraha (non-hoarding) : The audition experience belongs to both you and your auditionees. As yogis we are a community, a way of life, share your thoughts so teachers can grow even if they are not right for you right now. Simple shutting the door behind a teacher and ignoring their requests for feedback is no short of rude. We're all busy, if you have too many people to respond to then look up a point!

For the Teachers:

Practice Saucha (cleanliness) : Of mind, of body and of flow. Keep it effective. Trying to do too much will make you feel nervous and that will show. Stick to what you know and teach it well, let them hear your voice. Any studio that chooses acrobatics over authenticity probably isn't going to be a fit for you (unless that's what you love, in which case, hell, go for that crazy inversion!)  Also, and this should go without saying, remember you are auditioning from the moment you step into the studio, just as you are teaching all the time not just in the yoga room, your actions and behviours leave an impression, good studios want good teachers who embody the practice on and off the mat.

Practice Santosha (contentment) : know your worth. Your time has worth. Your training has worth. Your energy and heart has worth. Trust that the right studio will recognize that and be okay waiting for them.

Practice Tapas (heat) : BRING IT! Don't turn up half-hearted. Be there and show them how completely brilliant you are.

Practice Svadhyaya (self-study) : Be honest about how you did, be honest about whether the studio is a fit for you. This is, after all, as much an audition for the manager as it is for you. As for feedback and take it graciously.

Practice Ishvara Pranidhara (surrender) : Let go. If you've done your work, trust that the right studio will hire you. This is an age crying out for healing - your light will shine.

Live the questions...

Yoga raises more questions than it answers.

Why can’t I put my foot behind my head yet? 

Why am I scared of inversions? 

How do I align my hips in half moon? 

What is the point of Ujjayi breath? 

Why do get angry in Half Pigeon?

It can be irritating and unnerving, especially in a society where we are expected to be, and are rewarded for being, decisive, knowledgeable and forthright. 

However, when we pause and we begin to practice within those questions our practice grows. Instead of forcing a pose, when we ask what’s going on and take the time to breathe and be okay with not really knowing, something magic happens and we find that it gets easier and before we know it we’re in a place we never expected to be.

Similarly, off the mat, when we begin to live the questions we begin to investigate ourselves and we get to know ourselves on a deeper, more authentic level.

Remember the last time you met someone new, perhaps a first date or a job interview – those times are all filled with questions. Often the true answers don’t come until much later when you really experience that person, that relationship, that job.  You find the things you love over time, the quirks, the annoying habits that you’d be lost without, the short cuts and organization you need.

In the same way, life unfolds itself slowly to us, but for some reason we stop asking the questions. We start to believe we know it all.

Just for today allow yourself to challenge that:  ask every question, live every question. Stop preempting the answer, be safe in the knowledge that it will come in time, but for now investigate, experiment and play in the unknown.

As Deepak Chopra says “Accept what you do not know and what you do not know you do not know”. Breathe into those spaces, and in that place of intrigue, of mystery, of magic, find the fullness of life. Return to your childlike innocence where the wonder and the wild things are, the places where everything is new, surprising and fantastic. Let go of the “I know” of the ego and be okay with the “I wonder”. In this place … in the questions … truly anything is possible

The years are short ...

... but the days are long

My birthday always makes me think about what I've achieved, where I am, and what I still wish to achieve.

When St Patrick’s Day rolls around every year I am always surprised it’s here so quickly, it feels like just yesterday we were celebrating the New Year.

I've come to realize that, although time seems to pass so quickly when you’re in the moment, there is so much that you can pack in, it’s really astounding when you reflect.

It always surprises me to think we are already in mid-March, and for a brief moment I worry that time is passing too quickly for me and I wish that I had set out on my dreams and goals earlier. But then I think about what I've done in the past twelve months; the classes I've taught, people I've met, places I've traveled, skills I've learned from scratch and those I've honed in and it makes me realize how much I can and will still achieve.

If you can learn to walk, talk, eat, do your sums, read and write before you’re 5, imagine what you could learn to do now you have all of those skills if you just dedicated yourself to it. The natural aptitude of the child is joyous attention. Before we learn the fear of failure and disappointment, we inherently know the magic and excitement of trying and growing through every success AND every failure.

Instead of slowing down and feeling like you've already peaked, find a new goal, a new horizon, a new challenge and work for it. However it turns out, if you work hard, you'll grow from the experience, you'll learn a lot and you might just find a new dream in the process.

Time does pass quickly: instead of lamenting it choose to keep up. Stay childlike, keep learning, keep growing.