Finding Solace in Solitude

It's hard to have missed the social commentary on social commentary these days. Recently this brilliant video made the rounds on Facebook and Twitter: Loneliness: Shimi Cohen. Shimi captures and lays out the basic principles of Dunbar's number (Wikipedia Dunbar's number) and recent research surrounding depression, loneliness and social interaction.

Online social networking has always struck me as a two-headed demon. I love having the ability to keep up with distant friends, find new interests, articles and news easily and promote work, hobbies and causes. Yet, at the same time, I find too much time spent online emotionally draining. In the the past more often than I would like to admit I would get frustrated, angry, upset and tense reading my Facebook newsfeed. Seeing so many black and white views on topics that require so much more discussion, thought and CONVERSATION drove me crazy. My blood boiled as I hammered my keyboard typing out a comment, playing devil's advocate or just down-right negating everything I deem to be incorrect.

I began to feel addicted to the drama of it all and my Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO) hit an unhealthy level. Simultaneously I felt more alone, the more I read, the more alienated and different I felt from everyone I was interacting with. I was truly falling into the trap laid out so beautifully by Shimi.

I decided that I needed to put into place some regulations on my own social networking, just as I have in place in my 'real life':

1. No Facebook until after breakfast: it sounds silly, but waking up in the morning I found the first thing I would do was check my newsfeed. I was starting my entire day off with these negative thoughts, before I'd even woken up and put food in my belly. Setting aside time to get myself up, dressed, fed and out with my pups reset my entire day. I also found very quickly I cared less. Unless I had something I wanted to update, other people's posts were way lower down my priority list (no offence guys, I love you, but what you had for dinner last night is not my #1 for the day)
2. Numbers don't equate Friendships: While I find the idea of restricting myself to 150 members of my social group hard .... I'll explain that shortly ... there is a very simple quality over quantity sum. Reducing the number of Facebook friends started to surface more of my true friends in my feed, people I wanted to keep up with. The easiest way of doing this (because working through a huge friends list is daunting) I found is to remove people as they appear. This way it's no fuss, and it feels really cathartic to update slowly, like slowly refining a piece of art ;)
1. If you flash up in my feed and I can't fathom how we're connected, I remove you
2. If you flash up in my feed and I find you offensive or so completely opposed to my beliefs and the way I wish to live, I remove you
3. If you spam me, I remove you
3. Scheduled breaks: without any big dramatic status update or account deletion, I stop using social networks every so often. It's quite humbling to realize that everything will carry on just fine without you and it is very relieving to realize that you are missing nothing. If it's important your friends will call you: if it's not, it will wait.
4. Stay Positive: if I'm having a bad day I call a friend, read a book, cuddle my pups or cry (folks never underestimate the healing power of a good old cry!!). I don't post it on Facebook. I feel stronger and more accomplished dealing with my own emotions. In the past I would post the obnoxiously vague status update, secretly hoping that it would make me feel better to have people comment on it ... it never did, I just felt more hopeless. Keeping my Facebook positive helps me to keep my thoughts positive and I avoid the trap of feeling bad for too long.

I try to do this as quietly and calmly as possible - always reducing the drama. My simple mantra is:

These simple rules helped me to regain some balance and grounding from where I was able to really assess what was going on. The idea presented by Dunbar's number that I need to reduce my social network (online or otherwise) to 150 people to avoid loneliness and depression just doesn't sit well with me.

As Buddhists say, we are all Inter-Beings, interacting in the "Interisness". The idea of limiting our social circle to 150 people strikes me as a very Western construct, based on the principle of individuality and detachment. I believe that you can create, and maintain deep and true connections with as many people as you meet, if you approach everyone from a place of non-attachment, love and 'oneness'. To understand that your words, thoughts, energy can impact everyone positively or negatively is a truly powerful realization. The key difference is detachment vs non-attachment. Knowing that we are all one but we are moving on our own path, and we have no right or will to control another. You cannot move into any relationship with an expectation. You can only give without any hope to receive. And yes, that is as hard as it sounds, but it is possible. The key, I think, is to recognize that there is only 1 person you will ever have a true life-long relationship with, only 1 person who will ever know your deepest desires, the words that hurt, the moments that make you smile, only 1 person with whom you will share everything. The person who sits here and reads this blog.
Take the time to get to know you. To be honest and open with yourself. Keep a journal and keep it positive - find all the reasons you are unique, amazing, awe inspiring and be grateful. And most importantly, give yourself a break. You can only do your best, stop expecting perfection. There will be days when the drama is intoxicating, days when you feel lonely and that's okay - have a strategy to pull you out, build your own rules whether that's finding a past time, picking up the phone with an old friend or sleeping it off, find what works and apply it as soon as you feel the blues set in.

Taking the time to remove yourself from the rush of information and opinions online provides you with the space to really understand yourself and your feelings. Take back control of your own happiness.

For me, taking responsibility for my own heart and finding the ability to enjoy my own company was a much more successful strategy than fretting over which 150 people would make my 'friend' list.


What a lovely surprise to discover how un-lonely being alone can be ~ Ellen Burstyn

Stop drinking the poison

I recently read an amazing quote from Nelson Mandela "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies".

Last year I went through an upset with someone I considered a dear friend, the whole episode left me very hurt and confused. Whilst the friendship will never be rebuilt, it was possible for me to forgive this person, I was able to see everything they were going through and how things could have been misconstrued. However, what truly hurt were the actions of others who jumped into the drama both feet and stirred everything up to boiling point. Every time I think of the episode I would get that sick feeling in my stomach that I had been wronged and something should be said. I would brood over Facebook posts (come on we've all done it), write and delete texts and emails and bitch endlessly about it to my friends going over and over how much I'd been hurt and how unfair it was. As girls we're all a little trained by shows like Sex In The City and Cosmo magazine, that the basis of any good friendship is the ability to get together over drinks and have a good old bitch session.

Don't get me wrong, I think the actions of the ... hmm what's a good word for sh*t-stirrer?! (sorry mum!)... was really unacceptable, however, my reaction to it caused me more heartache and sleepless nights then necessary.

It took me a while to realize but every time I wasted my energy on these negative emotions, the only person I was hurting was myself. Everyone else involved was getting on with their lives, enjoying themselves and I didn't even cross their minds.

I've come to take Mandela's quote truly to heart. If someone hurts me I try to run through a series of questions that always help calm my heart. Firstly, was it intentional? If not, can I empathize with what they are going through and offer forgiveness right off the bat? Secondly, do they realize they've hurt me? If not, would it help to clear things if I tell them or will it just stir up more problems? If they do, have they already apologized? I'm guilty of punishing people repeatedly for mistakes they've made even after they have asked for my forgiveness. It's easy to do, in an effort to protect ourselves we assume the worse, that someone will repeatedly hurt you if they have done it once, but this belief really constricts our relationships. It's important you do not take forgiveness lightly, if you offer it - it should be complete, not just until the next time you have a bad day comes around.

It's all a lot easier said than done but if we learn to accept emotions for all they are, waves of feelings, we are able to let go of them much more quickly. If you acknowledge the fact that someone has hurt you, and all the feelings that come with that - anger, hurt, embarrassment - you can drop them almost as quickly as they arise and go back to being happy and content.

If someone has hurt you beyond repair, accept that and move on.

If you're struggling with finding forgiveness, or accepting the feelings that surround it, try making a few small adjustments to your routine. Rather than sit down and bitch about the incident with your friends, take a step back and talk to them about what's making you happy right now. It's amazing how quickly you can find something positive to fill your life with.

If you're fighting your feelings, sit down and accept them, be sad, be angry and forgive yourself as much as you forgive others - we put so much pressure on ourselves to be pillars of strength we are angry if anyone hurts us, it's okay to let people in and it's okay to admit when someone hurts you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to let someone back into your life, but it does mean that you let go of the resentment you're holding on to and move on. The quicker you move on, the happier you'll be.