Learning to Listen

I’m the type of person who wants to help as much as possible. When I’m put into a situation where someone needs to talk I’m there ready and willing.

It has taken me some time to realize that, despite all my best intentions, whist I listen, I have a bad habit of always trying to “fix” the situation through offering advice or condolences. I play into my own need, and if I’m honest, my own ego that wants to ‘put things right’.

My advice and help always comes from the heart, which isn’t a bad start, but I still need to learn to listen instead of just hear.

As I delve into my Urban Zen training I have started to read and understand the importance of approaching situations lovingly and from a point of not-knowing. To take the time to really listen to people when they need to talk and to let them lead the conversation, taking note of what is not said as much as what is said, and most importantly to be okay with things not being okay.

I’ve often said during class that’s it’s perfectly okay to not be okay, to have an off day, to not feel great but still turn up and be present. The same is true of listening: it is okay to not be able to fix things, often people just need to talk and be heard.

I am slowly practicing the art of listening (because I believe it is indeed an art, and one that requires much practice). To step back from my need to make things better, and just let things be, allowing myself to be present to everything that comes up and therefore give my full attention whomever needs it.

If you find yourself falling into the same trap I do, try some of the following tricks:

*        Listen without agenda: allow the speaker to talk and hold your peace, notice what comes up for you, do you feel agitated, desperate to respond? It’s all good, just take a breath and carry on listening

*        Use a “speaking stick”: if you find, as I do, that you often interrupt to offer council, use a physical object to pass between yourself and the speaker. Allow them to determine when they want to hear your advice and when they just need a friend

*        Hold eye-contact: even when someone is opening up about a difficult or traumatic experience that you cannot change or fix, the intimacy of eye-contact can provide so much more solace than words

*        If you’re unsure, just ask: ask what the speaker needs. Do they want your opinions or do they just need to release a little?

*        Mind your energy: if you find that you are always on the receiving end make sure that you have your own outlets. If it feels like a draining, bad relationship where you are being used because you listen well – protect yourself by explaining clearly what you can and cannot provide. Be mindful of how much time and energy you are willing to spend and communicate that. Protect yourself so you avoid feeling overwrought and used which often leads to a need to find a ‘quick fix’ so you can move on. Remember that bringing bad energy into a relationship, no matter how well-intentioned, is more dangerous than no energy.

*        Do your best: no more, no less. You will have bad days, tired days, you will slip up and talk over people and interrupt, just keep coming back to your heart and try again, learning a little more each time.

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.Winston Churchill

The two year itch...

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. - Lao Tzu 

Since I was 18 I've not stayed in one spot longer than 2 years. I've lived in the North of England, the South of England, Colorado, Texas and California in under 10 years and last month I took the plunge again and drove across country to set up shop in New York City.

As I've found with everything, moving is challenging, stressful, emotional and the doorway to some of the most amazing adventures I've had.

Having moved so often has created a strange dichotomy; on the one hand I haven't laid any roots since I lived with my parents which leaves me feeling a little detached and vulnerable, on the other I've met more amazing, unique people than otherwise possible and have build strong, lasting relationships across two continents.

As I packed up my Honda Civic and prepared to tackle the 4 day trek with my dear friend Jason (just one of the many shining stars I met in Dallas), I came to realize that "home" truly is exactly what you make it. Everything I need, everything that keeps me laughing, sane, grounded and balanced can fit into 13 cu. ft.

Home, for me, is a safe environment full of hugs and puppy kisses. It's the space I can return to where I feel myself again. I can recharge my batteries and rest.

Moving, like letting go of anything, comes with a cost. The physical loss of seeing friends, teaching classes, enjoying the CA sun is hard. The simple truth is, everything worthwhile comes at a cost. "Letting go" opens up space for development, growth and experience. And, as the old saying goes, "the more things change, the more they stay the same". I have come to notice that as I physically move and build new routines and social circles, I become more acutely aware of the friends who remain with me - regardless of time zones, distance, time apart - they are my rocks, always available at the end of the phone, always ready to comfort me when I am lonely and celebrate my success.

Letting go is different for all of us. It comes at different times but it is always one of the hardest things we can do. Whether it is a home, a job, a friendship, a lost love or a perceived sense of self we have been clinging to; releasing our grip allows us the space to breath ... the exhale that teaches us, reassuringly, that the next inhale always comes. There will always be something greater on the other side when we truly let go. There will always be constants, our buoys in the choppy sea, keeping us afloat and guiding us to our next adventure.

"There's nothing to fear but fear itself"... at least so they say.

 Recently I've been talking to my students a lot about facing our fears, believing in ourselves and striving for success. It raised a question in my mind - why do we fear? or more accurately what do we fear? What changes as we grow and age that takes our natural positive energy and 'can do' attitude and turns us into pessimistic, fearful, introverts?

The answer is obvious right? Failure. We learn over the years the pain of failure, so we fear that feeling and begin to back off. But the more I dig into this in my life, I don't believe that is the case. The fear of failure is very easy to rationalize, we can safely say we will not try something because of all the things that could go wrong, all the things that may have gone wrong in the past, or we have seen others go through, however, there is a deeper desire in all of us that would quickly overcome that fear if that really was the root of our hesitation.

I believe the answer is a much harder one for us to face, it is an answer that raises so many other questions and commentary on our true selves that we shy away from it. We are not scared of failure, rather, we are scared of success.

Bare with me, I know you're thinking that that's just plain crazy, how could you be scared of getting exactly what you're looking for.... but this is where the questions start to crop up.

How do we know what we are truly looking for? What if we've got it wrong?
Over the years we have experienced our changing desires and dreams. What if this latest goal changes next week? What if we put so much work into something and then find that we change our minds again? As humans we are fickle, there are so many options open to us, so many distractions in our daily lives, it's hard to listen to our deepest desires and really know if they are ours. 
Underneath all the noise though, there is a quite knowledge that something is right. It may well change in the future, and that's okay, but right now, in this moment, it is the right thing for us, and we should strive toward that.

What happens when we reach our goal? What is left? Do we just stop? What if the success we have dreamed of isn't all it's cracked up to be?
I call this Boxing Day Syndrome and it is the one that rings most true to me. Boxing Day (the day after Christmas for my American lovelies not aware of our bizarre British naming conventions) has reportedly been named "the most boring day of the year". Remember the month of December as a child? All that expectation. Every day opening up your advent calendar (is that yet another British tradition?) and knowing that Santa is 1 day closer. Then it's here, the presents, the cartoons on the telly and too many sweets to even talk about, it is the best of best days. And the next day .... it's all done. BDS sets in. The idea of waiting another 364 days for that joy again is almost crippling. Boxing Day sucks.
Achieving our goals can feel so much like that.
I dreamt for years of moving overseas, my destination changed many times (sometimes depending on what movie I'd just seen, sometimes depending on who I had the latest crush on), but at my core I knew I wanted to travel. When I moved to the US in 2007 I hit a wall. I'd done it. But it didn't feel great. I felt homesick, work was hard and I didn't really know what I was working toward any more, what was the point? I felt like I was just ticking down the hours, paying the bills and I didn't know what was left to do.

What if we're successful and others are not?
That dirty feeling is hard to shift, especially when you are looking at people you love, your friends, your family. The hard truth is, you are not responsible for them. As much as we like to believe, as our ego tells us, that we are the central point in everyone else's life, that everyone revolves around us, we are only responsible for ourselves and our own journey. Others will take what they want in terms of inspiration, jealousy, support, but we do not control that.

What if our success takes us out of our current comfort zone? Who do we leave behind? What is waiting for us behind the door of success?
Success, by it's very nature, means we have to leave something behind. We transition, we grow, we learn and in that process we move on, if we're lucky the people we love most dearly grow with us and walk alongside us, but more often then not we have to leave people behind. It's terrifying. Letting go of what we know, walking into the dark...
This can only be answered with another question - if you were happy in your current space, would you even be looking, thinking, dreaming of anything else?

Take the leap.

The truth is, all these fears are real, rational, and can and probably will aspire to some degree, but the deeper truth is, that success doesn't mean we've reached the end of our journey. There really is no end, there is always another goal, another rung on the ladder that we're climbing. 

Life doesn't end when you achieve your goals, it just gets a little better and you strive to make it better still.

Just as in our asana practice, we continually strive to make each posture more complete, there is always somewhere else to go. There is always a muscle to engage, a bone to align, a breath to deepen. The same is true in life. You can strive to find the perfect relationship, land your perfect partner and still strive to make that relationship stronger, happier and more complete every day. You can find the job of your dreams and still work every day to do your best and shine in your role.

For me personally, I found yoga. Yoga taught me that my move to the US was just a chapter in my book. Once I realized that I found new passions, I found new hobbies and most importantly new goals. I've moved around physically and emotionally a lot, now I seek stability; I've moved around the corporate world, now I start my journey into the healing arts and I have found a burning desire to, and with it a knack at, bringing this to others. Now I have re-discovered that feeling that my life has only just begun, that I have so much to experience, to learn and to try, I feel more clueless today then ever and it's the greatest feeling, to approach life in the knowledge that you really know nothing but it's all there for the taking.

Let go of the goals and start to enjoy the journey, remembering we are only truly alive when we are moving, learning, growing.

It is okay to be successful, let go of the ego that tells you "no", push to be the absolute best that you possibly can be, the perfect expression of you, and enjoy the feeling when you achieve that. Live for those moments, when you scale a peak and look down at how far you've come and celebrate; let your success shine, let your heart fill with joy, and be an inspiration to everyone you meet. Then, take a deep breath, steady yourself, and look up, for there are far more peaks to climb.

Credit where credit's due

Ever feel like we're all way too hard on ourselves? I do. I think it's high time we take a little break from trying to live up to impossible expectations and acknowledge just how fabulous we all are.

I know there are some really amazing people out there, those heroes who stand out from the crowd - soldiers, firemen, doctors, policemen to name just a few, and I give them full credit, respect and love for everything they do for us. However, there's a little something amazing in every one of us and it's important from time to time to give credit where credit's due and it's okay to feel good about the love you bring into the world.

Take some time today to sit back and recognize all the great things you've done, all the times you've made someone else smile.

Struggling for ideas? Well, firstly, stop being that person - there are enough people in the world who are going to put you down or hold you back, you need to be your own biggest fan, start right now! Take a breath and look around you. Is there a little puppy or kitten looking up at you with big thankful eyes because you saved their life when you adopted them and gave them a loving home? Did you take an extra minute on your last shopping trip to offer a smile, a kind word or some food for the homeless guy that so many people just blanked and walked straight past? Perhaps you donated some money or time to your favourite charity, that is right now working miracles for those in need. Maybe you took an extra minute, even though you were exhausted, to read that extra bedtime story to your little one.

Are you starting to see my point?

There are so many ways in which your love and light change the world, be thankful that you have the opportunity to spread happiness, and recognize how much you do to make others happy. You're amazing! Now go celebrate and treat yourself big today.

Testy test-outs

What a weekend!!
Friday started with our CPR Heartsaver class (that brought back some memories after 18months with the AHA!), and a panic over the upcoming written test. Then Saturday was such a high: really amazing "Friends and Family" class where we all taught a couple of postures, followed by the written which was way easier than expected. Then today our final test out. The sheer highs of the weekend, along with the nerves and excitement was overwhelming. It's a crazy feeling to know I've completed something I've poured my heart and soul into for the last 8 weeks.

So what have I learnt?
Firstly - I feel more at home teaching a class and working with people's energy than I have been doing anything else before :) Most importantly, I learnt that my own self-judgments often hold me back. At the start of the course I was worried that people were laughing or gossiping about me. In the past that would have lead to me backing off and not performing to my best, for the first time it actually spurred me to work harder. I needed to prove to myself that I had tried my absolute best whatever the outcome, and I needed to step out of my own judgments. Its true that more often than not the judgements we feel others are passing are our own insecurities and ego screaming at us.
And, although there have been so many lessons over the last 8 weeks, with all the emotions this weekend it seems pertinent to note that I learnt it's okay to be emotional and it's okay to ask for help. I have often tried to hide my true feelings, I suppose I've worried that I'll be seen as weak or that I'll be adding to someone else's troubles. This weekend, particularly tonight, I realised that sometimes you need to be completely honest about what you are feeling and why. Only by doing that was I able to get over it and move on. It's perfectly okay to cry and let everything out, it helps us clear our hearts for the positive emotions we aim to embrace.

Yoga encourages us to do this by physically opening our hips and hearts and preparing us for the mental and emotional release (I bet I'm not the only one to have cried in half pigeon or wanted to scream in camel), but we need to be ready for that next layer. It you feel overwhelmed remember that emotions don't last forever. If you're feeling hurt then cry, scream, shout, then let it go. Don't carry it around with you allowing it to cloud your every decision and action. If it's an option, talk to the people who have hurt you - but be honest, with them and with yourselves (this is how I feel... But I realise I am over stressed / anxious etc). Remember that those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind (thanks Dr Suess for that one!). If that's not an option just let it go, what's the point of holding on to events you can't change, let it go and do what makes you happy, whether that's following your dream to become a yoga teacher or snuggling with you pup on a Sunday night watching Mannequin .... Which is exactly what I'm gonna do right now!

Namaste b*****s ;)

Wasted Energy

You've heard that phrase "well that was complete waste of energy" right?

I used it today and I realized just how negative that is. It's so indicative of how we view the world around us. We're always expecting a certain result from our actions and if we don't realize these goals we feel that we've wasted our time and energy.

A few weeks ago I was working on a little project with my friends. We were going to get together and film and post some sketches. A few of us had really invested a lot of time and energy and things just sort of fell flat. Every time I would try to get people rallied to work together it was met with clashes of schedules, lack of interest and a general lethargy around the project. I let it drop too and quickly filled up my time with other things (teacher training for the most part) and hadn't really thought about it much until earlier today when I was walking my puppy and a song came on Pandora that sparked the memory.

My immediate reaction was to become irritated. Why did I waste so much of my time if no one else cared? I could have been doing lots of other things. Why am I the only person who can keep a commitment? It really pissed me off and I was feeling completely hard done by. But then I got to thinking... I had fun working on the project with my friends, I enjoyed being creative, we hung out, laughed, and enjoyed each other's company. Can I really call that a waste?

I get so attached to the end result that I forgot sometimes how much fun the journey is. Would it have been great to see things through to fruition? Absolutely! But does that mean I completely wasted my energy? I don't think so. I guess it showed me, if you're doing things for the right reason, whether that's to develop your own skills, to have fun, to benefit others or something else entirely, then you're using your time and energy in a positive way and that's all you should hope for. It reminded me to enjoy the process and action above and beyond the goal.

I'm not suggesting we all stop trying to reach our goals deliberately - that would just make us stagnant and depressed. But enjoy the present, enjoy the time you spend doing things, the time you spend with your friends and family along the way, or the things you learn individually. And remember, as soon as you've achieved that goal, it's not the end, it's just a step further in life and it's time to start something new. This weekend I complete my 200hr training and I'm both excited and terrified. The last 8 weeks have been really life changing and I've enjoyed the growth, the friendships I've formed and the deepening of my yoga practice. The idea that next weekend I won't be meeting up on Fri, Sat and Sun with my classmates is really quite unnerving. Achieving a goal can be unsettling at times. Luckily for me this is just the start to a much longer journey and I'm already planning next steps...

Remember to love every minute of life. Realization of your dreams is wonderful but it's a very short lived high, like massacring that bar of chocolate you've been thinking about all week, and it can feel like a big crash after it. Don't spend your life rushing from one goal to another without enjoying the path on the way there. And don't freak out when you achieve your goals, enjoy the celebration and then get right on into your next journey. Keep growing, keep learning and keep laughing.

Stop drinking the poison

I recently read an amazing quote from Nelson Mandela "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies".

Last year I went through an upset with someone I considered a dear friend, the whole episode left me very hurt and confused. Whilst the friendship will never be rebuilt, it was possible for me to forgive this person, I was able to see everything they were going through and how things could have been misconstrued. However, what truly hurt were the actions of others who jumped into the drama both feet and stirred everything up to boiling point. Every time I think of the episode I would get that sick feeling in my stomach that I had been wronged and something should be said. I would brood over Facebook posts (come on we've all done it), write and delete texts and emails and bitch endlessly about it to my friends going over and over how much I'd been hurt and how unfair it was. As girls we're all a little trained by shows like Sex In The City and Cosmo magazine, that the basis of any good friendship is the ability to get together over drinks and have a good old bitch session.

Don't get me wrong, I think the actions of the ... hmm what's a good word for sh*t-stirrer?! (sorry mum!)... was really unacceptable, however, my reaction to it caused me more heartache and sleepless nights then necessary.

It took me a while to realize but every time I wasted my energy on these negative emotions, the only person I was hurting was myself. Everyone else involved was getting on with their lives, enjoying themselves and I didn't even cross their minds.

I've come to take Mandela's quote truly to heart. If someone hurts me I try to run through a series of questions that always help calm my heart. Firstly, was it intentional? If not, can I empathize with what they are going through and offer forgiveness right off the bat? Secondly, do they realize they've hurt me? If not, would it help to clear things if I tell them or will it just stir up more problems? If they do, have they already apologized? I'm guilty of punishing people repeatedly for mistakes they've made even after they have asked for my forgiveness. It's easy to do, in an effort to protect ourselves we assume the worse, that someone will repeatedly hurt you if they have done it once, but this belief really constricts our relationships. It's important you do not take forgiveness lightly, if you offer it - it should be complete, not just until the next time you have a bad day comes around.

It's all a lot easier said than done but if we learn to accept emotions for all they are, waves of feelings, we are able to let go of them much more quickly. If you acknowledge the fact that someone has hurt you, and all the feelings that come with that - anger, hurt, embarrassment - you can drop them almost as quickly as they arise and go back to being happy and content.

If someone has hurt you beyond repair, accept that and move on.

If you're struggling with finding forgiveness, or accepting the feelings that surround it, try making a few small adjustments to your routine. Rather than sit down and bitch about the incident with your friends, take a step back and talk to them about what's making you happy right now. It's amazing how quickly you can find something positive to fill your life with.

If you're fighting your feelings, sit down and accept them, be sad, be angry and forgive yourself as much as you forgive others - we put so much pressure on ourselves to be pillars of strength we are angry if anyone hurts us, it's okay to let people in and it's okay to admit when someone hurts you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to let someone back into your life, but it does mean that you let go of the resentment you're holding on to and move on. The quicker you move on, the happier you'll be.