Dare to dream BIG

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

On Friday night I had one of the most beautiful dreams. So peaceful and simple I was photographing a kaleidoscope of small purple butterflies. (What a beautiful name for a group of butterflies … a kaleidoscope).  All the while the rain was lightly falling but the sun was shining through allowing the brightest rainbow to form over me.

I woke on Saturday refreshed, calm and filled with passion and drive, sublime timing for the kick-off of my Level One Urban Zen Integrative Therapy course.

The weekend panned to be powerful and transformative, jumping in with both feet again into the fountain of healing knowledge … dipping my toes always seems the sensible route but never satisfies my thirst. I feel like my eyes have been opened  to truths my heart has known for some time. The path for me is clearer every day, not easy and definitely not short nor full of surprises, but clearer and more tantalizing than ever before. To hone my knowledge and my skills, to allow my heart to burst open and truly vesslefy the power that is all around us and within each of us to, simply put, make things a little better.

Out of intrigue I looked up some dream interpretations:

The rainbow is also seen as a bridge between your earthly, grounded self and the higher, spiritual self. ~ www.dreammoods.com

The butterfly most commonly is a symbol of transformation. … Taking all of this into consideration it is easy to see that dreaming of a butterfly may mark the beginning of a transformation in your waking life. …Butterflies are also a symbol of spirituality. Many times when a dreamer dreams of butterflies around them, or of observing them, it means that in their waking life they are on the verge of a deep spiritual journey, full of new awareness and possibilities. ~ http://contributor.yahoo.com/user/9341/sincerity_anna.html

Climb climb climb

I read a beautiful article today in which Baron Baptiste describes yoga on and off the mat as ascending a peak with multiple pitches. What a perfect visual.

Successful climbers don't just wake up and start walking up a hill, they plan and prepare.

(1) Pick your peak: What is your goal? What are you trying to achieve?

(2) Plan: There's balance in there. Too much planning and you can get caught up in details and stuck on this idea of perfection ... not enough and you go in blind. Allow yourself time to figure out what it is you want, what you're aiming for, what you're willing to do and, importantly, what you are willing to give up to achieve your goals. And then relax, be prepared to be flexible and open-minded both on the journey and to the outcome.

(3) Check your gear: know yourself. Know what makes you tick, what makes you vulnerable, what your strengths are. On the mat it is always crucial to know where you may be strong, where flexible, where weak and where inflexible, only when you know that can you safely approach each posture without risk of injury. Off the mat this is equally critical - knowing your limits so that you can skirt them, press them, challenge them without throwing yourself so far over them that you feel defeated and broken.

(4) Train: Everything is a practice, keep at it, keep trying and learn from each push

And as Baptiste says: Precision is different to Perfectionism.

When you work with precision on the mat, you will feel empowered to make positive changes in your life too. "With a mindful, conscious practice, you can connect with your personal power, your ability to change your life."
Perfectionism is rife with self-criticism and judgement. Begin to cast judgement on your pose, your practice, or yourself as 'right' or 'wrong', and the ledge you're on can expand into a never ending plateau of self-doubt.

(5) Find a guide: It's an innately human floor to be too afraid / proud / shy to ask for help. Whatever your reason - get over yourself - we all need help, we all need a guide. Whether it's a teacher(s) you love for your yoga practice or someone you can bounce ideas off and confide in, make sure you have someone to support you and nurture you. Pick your guide carefully, they must have your best interests at heart and you must trust them completely, the type of person who knows that they will grow just in the process of assisting you in being your absolute best and most successful.

(6) Start climbing: We often spend so long planning, preparing, fretting and wondering about the what ifs that we forget to get going. You're not going to get anywhere if you don't start somewhere.

(7) Keep checking in: Every step of the way. You are not static. With each challenge, each posture, each goal you start to strengthen and open certain areas of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. As certain areas grow you begin to expose new areas, which, it goes without saying, will start weaker. Be gentle with the new space. Check back with yourself - what now makes me tick, what now makes me vulnerable, what now are my strengths. Constant self-observation and self-reflection keeps us strong, motivated, honest and empowered.

(8) Trust your foundation: What is it that holds you up. Learn to trust the people, community, practices that hold you steady so that you can reach up for the next uncertain footing.

(9) Forget the peak and enjoy the scenery: Don't forget to breathe and look around you. The goal is great, the peak is the triumph, but it's a long journey and you can approach it 2 ways. You can miserably push yourself ever forward, head down, eyes on the prize. Or, you can choose to enjoy every step, every slip-up, every moment of success and failure, learning and growing always.

Don't aim to make it in one text-book journey to your goal - aim to make it a fun, full, heart-filled experience.

Take it off the mat

Before moving to NYC I worked with an amazing dog trainer in LA for a little over a year. When I first called him I was at the end of my leash (pun intended!); I'd tried a number of techniques, a number of trainers all with no success. My pups are both young, boisterous boys, and they were beginning to show some pretty strong signs of aggression.

When I first called Matt, he was my last hope, I felt like I was a danger to my dogs; that in all likelihood, if things kept going the way they were, I would end up with either a legal battle after a bite, or worse, losing my young pup, Maverick.  On that very first phone call with The Zen Dog I was calmly told "you'll learn more about yourself in this process then you will about your dogs, this is a change you have to make".

If you're in LA you can find the amazing support of Matt and Brooklin and their fabulous team at The Zen Dog

A light bulb immediately went off. All these years of yoga practice, and several months of teacher training down, and I still figured that I could force a change in other creatures; that the problem was completely out of my control and the fault of my "aggressive" dogs. To be told so bluntly - it's not them it's you - was empowering. Suddenly I didn't have ill-behaved dogs that needed discipline, rather I was allowing the behaviour to continue and I needed to become Alpha. I didn't have to rely on tricks and treats and squirt guns to regain control (all tried with incredibly short-term success given how quick my smart boys worked out what was going on), rather I had to be confident in myself, find my strength and remain calm and composed.

The key to success: hard work, dedication and trusting the journey ... all the things I had been telling my students to do on their mat and yet I had trouble finding off the mat.

There were so many times I would feel defeated. That the task at hand was too much, too overwhelming to do alone. Luckily I had my gurus at the end of the phone to remind me how far I had already come, how well the pups were responding and how happy and calm they were becoming in the process.

So many moments stand out for me, moments when I lost my calm and the explosion of barking and growling that would follow, moments when I was stressed or emotional in the morning and I would come home to a torn up apartment and a very sorry looking boy in the corner, and moments when I remembered what was needed, I took my time and did my best and both pups responded in kind, by calming down and doing their best to follow their Alpha.

It is a work in progress, I still work daily on Maverick's leash aggression toward other dogs, and on Socks' incessant barking, but I have learnt so much and we have come so far as a mini pack. From having two dogs who couldn't really stand each other, and a young pup who attacked any person or dog who came near me or him, to having two healthy brothers - rough-housing but knowing when to stop, eager to play and well behaved in the off-leash parks, protective in the home but welcoming to all human guests when they see I invite them in.

I found strength in myself - the ability to be strong, be tough but not harsh or mean

I found calmness and patience - the ability to take a breath and pause, allowing my initially reaction to become a positive action

I found balance - to have time to curl up in a ball of fluff for snuggles, but to keep a healthy detachment at the dog park so the boys could be dogs, properly, and figure themselves out

Most of all, and something I never realized I was lacking, I found trust. Trust in my dogs, that they are happy and want this to work as much as I do. Trust in the process, I learnt that being committed to the journey was far more important than being attached to the outcome. Trust in myself, I learnt that I am strong enough and my best is good enough.
It was a break-through for me, to truly believe that sometimes you have to just close your eyes and trust - know that it will be a long journey, but it is worth it, and as I go I am constantly progressing and improving.

“There’s no value in digging shallow wells in a hundred places. Decide on one place and dig deep. Even if you encounter a rock, use dynamite and keep going down. If you leave that to dig another well, all the first effort is wasted and there is no proof you won’t hit rock again. (52)” ― Swami Satchidananda, The Yoga Sutras

Or put another way:

The two year itch...

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. - Lao Tzu 

Since I was 18 I've not stayed in one spot longer than 2 years. I've lived in the North of England, the South of England, Colorado, Texas and California in under 10 years and last month I took the plunge again and drove across country to set up shop in New York City.

As I've found with everything, moving is challenging, stressful, emotional and the doorway to some of the most amazing adventures I've had.

Having moved so often has created a strange dichotomy; on the one hand I haven't laid any roots since I lived with my parents which leaves me feeling a little detached and vulnerable, on the other I've met more amazing, unique people than otherwise possible and have build strong, lasting relationships across two continents.

As I packed up my Honda Civic and prepared to tackle the 4 day trek with my dear friend Jason (just one of the many shining stars I met in Dallas), I came to realize that "home" truly is exactly what you make it. Everything I need, everything that keeps me laughing, sane, grounded and balanced can fit into 13 cu. ft.

Home, for me, is a safe environment full of hugs and puppy kisses. It's the space I can return to where I feel myself again. I can recharge my batteries and rest.

Moving, like letting go of anything, comes with a cost. The physical loss of seeing friends, teaching classes, enjoying the CA sun is hard. The simple truth is, everything worthwhile comes at a cost. "Letting go" opens up space for development, growth and experience. And, as the old saying goes, "the more things change, the more they stay the same". I have come to notice that as I physically move and build new routines and social circles, I become more acutely aware of the friends who remain with me - regardless of time zones, distance, time apart - they are my rocks, always available at the end of the phone, always ready to comfort me when I am lonely and celebrate my success.

Letting go is different for all of us. It comes at different times but it is always one of the hardest things we can do. Whether it is a home, a job, a friendship, a lost love or a perceived sense of self we have been clinging to; releasing our grip allows us the space to breath ... the exhale that teaches us, reassuringly, that the next inhale always comes. There will always be something greater on the other side when we truly let go. There will always be constants, our buoys in the choppy sea, keeping us afloat and guiding us to our next adventure.

"There's nothing to fear but fear itself"... at least so they say.

 Recently I've been talking to my students a lot about facing our fears, believing in ourselves and striving for success. It raised a question in my mind - why do we fear? or more accurately what do we fear? What changes as we grow and age that takes our natural positive energy and 'can do' attitude and turns us into pessimistic, fearful, introverts?

The answer is obvious right? Failure. We learn over the years the pain of failure, so we fear that feeling and begin to back off. But the more I dig into this in my life, I don't believe that is the case. The fear of failure is very easy to rationalize, we can safely say we will not try something because of all the things that could go wrong, all the things that may have gone wrong in the past, or we have seen others go through, however, there is a deeper desire in all of us that would quickly overcome that fear if that really was the root of our hesitation.

I believe the answer is a much harder one for us to face, it is an answer that raises so many other questions and commentary on our true selves that we shy away from it. We are not scared of failure, rather, we are scared of success.

Bare with me, I know you're thinking that that's just plain crazy, how could you be scared of getting exactly what you're looking for.... but this is where the questions start to crop up.

How do we know what we are truly looking for? What if we've got it wrong?
Over the years we have experienced our changing desires and dreams. What if this latest goal changes next week? What if we put so much work into something and then find that we change our minds again? As humans we are fickle, there are so many options open to us, so many distractions in our daily lives, it's hard to listen to our deepest desires and really know if they are ours. 
Underneath all the noise though, there is a quite knowledge that something is right. It may well change in the future, and that's okay, but right now, in this moment, it is the right thing for us, and we should strive toward that.

What happens when we reach our goal? What is left? Do we just stop? What if the success we have dreamed of isn't all it's cracked up to be?
I call this Boxing Day Syndrome and it is the one that rings most true to me. Boxing Day (the day after Christmas for my American lovelies not aware of our bizarre British naming conventions) has reportedly been named "the most boring day of the year". Remember the month of December as a child? All that expectation. Every day opening up your advent calendar (is that yet another British tradition?) and knowing that Santa is 1 day closer. Then it's here, the presents, the cartoons on the telly and too many sweets to even talk about, it is the best of best days. And the next day .... it's all done. BDS sets in. The idea of waiting another 364 days for that joy again is almost crippling. Boxing Day sucks.
Achieving our goals can feel so much like that.
I dreamt for years of moving overseas, my destination changed many times (sometimes depending on what movie I'd just seen, sometimes depending on who I had the latest crush on), but at my core I knew I wanted to travel. When I moved to the US in 2007 I hit a wall. I'd done it. But it didn't feel great. I felt homesick, work was hard and I didn't really know what I was working toward any more, what was the point? I felt like I was just ticking down the hours, paying the bills and I didn't know what was left to do.

What if we're successful and others are not?
That dirty feeling is hard to shift, especially when you are looking at people you love, your friends, your family. The hard truth is, you are not responsible for them. As much as we like to believe, as our ego tells us, that we are the central point in everyone else's life, that everyone revolves around us, we are only responsible for ourselves and our own journey. Others will take what they want in terms of inspiration, jealousy, support, but we do not control that.

What if our success takes us out of our current comfort zone? Who do we leave behind? What is waiting for us behind the door of success?
Success, by it's very nature, means we have to leave something behind. We transition, we grow, we learn and in that process we move on, if we're lucky the people we love most dearly grow with us and walk alongside us, but more often then not we have to leave people behind. It's terrifying. Letting go of what we know, walking into the dark...
This can only be answered with another question - if you were happy in your current space, would you even be looking, thinking, dreaming of anything else?

Take the leap.

The truth is, all these fears are real, rational, and can and probably will aspire to some degree, but the deeper truth is, that success doesn't mean we've reached the end of our journey. There really is no end, there is always another goal, another rung on the ladder that we're climbing. 

Life doesn't end when you achieve your goals, it just gets a little better and you strive to make it better still.

Just as in our asana practice, we continually strive to make each posture more complete, there is always somewhere else to go. There is always a muscle to engage, a bone to align, a breath to deepen. The same is true in life. You can strive to find the perfect relationship, land your perfect partner and still strive to make that relationship stronger, happier and more complete every day. You can find the job of your dreams and still work every day to do your best and shine in your role.

For me personally, I found yoga. Yoga taught me that my move to the US was just a chapter in my book. Once I realized that I found new passions, I found new hobbies and most importantly new goals. I've moved around physically and emotionally a lot, now I seek stability; I've moved around the corporate world, now I start my journey into the healing arts and I have found a burning desire to, and with it a knack at, bringing this to others. Now I have re-discovered that feeling that my life has only just begun, that I have so much to experience, to learn and to try, I feel more clueless today then ever and it's the greatest feeling, to approach life in the knowledge that you really know nothing but it's all there for the taking.

Let go of the goals and start to enjoy the journey, remembering we are only truly alive when we are moving, learning, growing.

It is okay to be successful, let go of the ego that tells you "no", push to be the absolute best that you possibly can be, the perfect expression of you, and enjoy the feeling when you achieve that. Live for those moments, when you scale a peak and look down at how far you've come and celebrate; let your success shine, let your heart fill with joy, and be an inspiration to everyone you meet. Then, take a deep breath, steady yourself, and look up, for there are far more peaks to climb.

Wasted Energy

You've heard that phrase "well that was complete waste of energy" right?

I used it today and I realized just how negative that is. It's so indicative of how we view the world around us. We're always expecting a certain result from our actions and if we don't realize these goals we feel that we've wasted our time and energy.

A few weeks ago I was working on a little project with my friends. We were going to get together and film and post some sketches. A few of us had really invested a lot of time and energy and things just sort of fell flat. Every time I would try to get people rallied to work together it was met with clashes of schedules, lack of interest and a general lethargy around the project. I let it drop too and quickly filled up my time with other things (teacher training for the most part) and hadn't really thought about it much until earlier today when I was walking my puppy and a song came on Pandora that sparked the memory.

My immediate reaction was to become irritated. Why did I waste so much of my time if no one else cared? I could have been doing lots of other things. Why am I the only person who can keep a commitment? It really pissed me off and I was feeling completely hard done by. But then I got to thinking... I had fun working on the project with my friends, I enjoyed being creative, we hung out, laughed, and enjoyed each other's company. Can I really call that a waste?

I get so attached to the end result that I forgot sometimes how much fun the journey is. Would it have been great to see things through to fruition? Absolutely! But does that mean I completely wasted my energy? I don't think so. I guess it showed me, if you're doing things for the right reason, whether that's to develop your own skills, to have fun, to benefit others or something else entirely, then you're using your time and energy in a positive way and that's all you should hope for. It reminded me to enjoy the process and action above and beyond the goal.

I'm not suggesting we all stop trying to reach our goals deliberately - that would just make us stagnant and depressed. But enjoy the present, enjoy the time you spend doing things, the time you spend with your friends and family along the way, or the things you learn individually. And remember, as soon as you've achieved that goal, it's not the end, it's just a step further in life and it's time to start something new. This weekend I complete my 200hr training and I'm both excited and terrified. The last 8 weeks have been really life changing and I've enjoyed the growth, the friendships I've formed and the deepening of my yoga practice. The idea that next weekend I won't be meeting up on Fri, Sat and Sun with my classmates is really quite unnerving. Achieving a goal can be unsettling at times. Luckily for me this is just the start to a much longer journey and I'm already planning next steps...

Remember to love every minute of life. Realization of your dreams is wonderful but it's a very short lived high, like massacring that bar of chocolate you've been thinking about all week, and it can feel like a big crash after it. Don't spend your life rushing from one goal to another without enjoying the path on the way there. And don't freak out when you achieve your goals, enjoy the celebration and then get right on into your next journey. Keep growing, keep learning and keep laughing.