"There's nothing to fear but fear itself"... at least so they say.

 Recently I've been talking to my students a lot about facing our fears, believing in ourselves and striving for success. It raised a question in my mind - why do we fear? or more accurately what do we fear? What changes as we grow and age that takes our natural positive energy and 'can do' attitude and turns us into pessimistic, fearful, introverts?

The answer is obvious right? Failure. We learn over the years the pain of failure, so we fear that feeling and begin to back off. But the more I dig into this in my life, I don't believe that is the case. The fear of failure is very easy to rationalize, we can safely say we will not try something because of all the things that could go wrong, all the things that may have gone wrong in the past, or we have seen others go through, however, there is a deeper desire in all of us that would quickly overcome that fear if that really was the root of our hesitation.

I believe the answer is a much harder one for us to face, it is an answer that raises so many other questions and commentary on our true selves that we shy away from it. We are not scared of failure, rather, we are scared of success.

Bare with me, I know you're thinking that that's just plain crazy, how could you be scared of getting exactly what you're looking for.... but this is where the questions start to crop up.

How do we know what we are truly looking for? What if we've got it wrong?
Over the years we have experienced our changing desires and dreams. What if this latest goal changes next week? What if we put so much work into something and then find that we change our minds again? As humans we are fickle, there are so many options open to us, so many distractions in our daily lives, it's hard to listen to our deepest desires and really know if they are ours. 
Underneath all the noise though, there is a quite knowledge that something is right. It may well change in the future, and that's okay, but right now, in this moment, it is the right thing for us, and we should strive toward that.

What happens when we reach our goal? What is left? Do we just stop? What if the success we have dreamed of isn't all it's cracked up to be?
I call this Boxing Day Syndrome and it is the one that rings most true to me. Boxing Day (the day after Christmas for my American lovelies not aware of our bizarre British naming conventions) has reportedly been named "the most boring day of the year". Remember the month of December as a child? All that expectation. Every day opening up your advent calendar (is that yet another British tradition?) and knowing that Santa is 1 day closer. Then it's here, the presents, the cartoons on the telly and too many sweets to even talk about, it is the best of best days. And the next day .... it's all done. BDS sets in. The idea of waiting another 364 days for that joy again is almost crippling. Boxing Day sucks.
Achieving our goals can feel so much like that.
I dreamt for years of moving overseas, my destination changed many times (sometimes depending on what movie I'd just seen, sometimes depending on who I had the latest crush on), but at my core I knew I wanted to travel. When I moved to the US in 2007 I hit a wall. I'd done it. But it didn't feel great. I felt homesick, work was hard and I didn't really know what I was working toward any more, what was the point? I felt like I was just ticking down the hours, paying the bills and I didn't know what was left to do.

What if we're successful and others are not?
That dirty feeling is hard to shift, especially when you are looking at people you love, your friends, your family. The hard truth is, you are not responsible for them. As much as we like to believe, as our ego tells us, that we are the central point in everyone else's life, that everyone revolves around us, we are only responsible for ourselves and our own journey. Others will take what they want in terms of inspiration, jealousy, support, but we do not control that.

What if our success takes us out of our current comfort zone? Who do we leave behind? What is waiting for us behind the door of success?
Success, by it's very nature, means we have to leave something behind. We transition, we grow, we learn and in that process we move on, if we're lucky the people we love most dearly grow with us and walk alongside us, but more often then not we have to leave people behind. It's terrifying. Letting go of what we know, walking into the dark...
This can only be answered with another question - if you were happy in your current space, would you even be looking, thinking, dreaming of anything else?

Take the leap.

The truth is, all these fears are real, rational, and can and probably will aspire to some degree, but the deeper truth is, that success doesn't mean we've reached the end of our journey. There really is no end, there is always another goal, another rung on the ladder that we're climbing. 

Life doesn't end when you achieve your goals, it just gets a little better and you strive to make it better still.

Just as in our asana practice, we continually strive to make each posture more complete, there is always somewhere else to go. There is always a muscle to engage, a bone to align, a breath to deepen. The same is true in life. You can strive to find the perfect relationship, land your perfect partner and still strive to make that relationship stronger, happier and more complete every day. You can find the job of your dreams and still work every day to do your best and shine in your role.

For me personally, I found yoga. Yoga taught me that my move to the US was just a chapter in my book. Once I realized that I found new passions, I found new hobbies and most importantly new goals. I've moved around physically and emotionally a lot, now I seek stability; I've moved around the corporate world, now I start my journey into the healing arts and I have found a burning desire to, and with it a knack at, bringing this to others. Now I have re-discovered that feeling that my life has only just begun, that I have so much to experience, to learn and to try, I feel more clueless today then ever and it's the greatest feeling, to approach life in the knowledge that you really know nothing but it's all there for the taking.

Let go of the goals and start to enjoy the journey, remembering we are only truly alive when we are moving, learning, growing.

It is okay to be successful, let go of the ego that tells you "no", push to be the absolute best that you possibly can be, the perfect expression of you, and enjoy the feeling when you achieve that. Live for those moments, when you scale a peak and look down at how far you've come and celebrate; let your success shine, let your heart fill with joy, and be an inspiration to everyone you meet. Then, take a deep breath, steady yourself, and look up, for there are far more peaks to climb.

Take some alone time

Ever since I started yoga I've felt "naughty" for not having a regular meditation practice. I felt guilty for not sitting in a dark room chanting every morning.
The more I read, the more I realise how important meditation is, but also how many different ways there are to meditate. Meditation gives us time to reflect, it can be a little scary being completely honest but without that there's no way to unravel all the nonesense and to truly hear out intuition over all the noise of modern life.

Here are some of my favourite ways to find a little solitude and self-reflection:

• Go for a drive: perfect for everyday (no need to worry about a little rain) don't see the backup on the 405 as a reason to stress, take a deep breath, put on some calming tunes and quiet your mind... Just don't drift off too much, I don't want to see your insurance bill
• Go for a walk: there's nothing better for me than 30 mins a day with my pups and the open air. The more regularly I go, the more I resist the temptation to call and chat with friends, the better I feel by the end of it.
• Take a bath: warm bubbles, candles - who says you need someone else to be romantic, take time to learn to love yourself, it will shine from every pore and you'll smell pretty great too
• Workout: use your swim, run, weights or asana practice as a moving meditation. Make sure, however you work up a sweat, that you take at least 5 mins after to sit or lie quietly and tune out. We all know working out oxygenates the blood and releases endorphins, what better way to self-reflect than when you're feeling alive and awesome?!
• Take a meditation class: most yoga studios offer groups or classes, if you can't find one that works check out the sessions on yogaglo.com and let someone guide you to your zen space.
• Go to bed 30 mins earlier and turn off the voices: I can lie awake for hours running over things that happened throughout the day, things I wish I'd done in the past or my dreams for the future - it's engaging and entertaining but it's also exhausting and unreal. There's a time for daydreaming and there's a time for quiet. Take your pre-sleep time and just be quiet, focus on your breathe and be present, you can't change anything that went before and you can't see what's coming next so stop worrying about it and let your ego go for a while. Not only will you drift off into a better sleep, but you'll find you slowly bring the ability to breathe and be present into your waking hours too.

Now go and get your om on! Namaste

Just one thing

I can't tell you the number of times I've heard in class "spread your fingers wide, it will remove the pressure from your wrists". I know it's true, I've been trying it for the last 4 years. I even say it repeatedly when I teach my friends: "spread them like starfish" seems to be on repeat these days. Today, the amazing mini Milena said something a little different. "Spread your fingers wide", yeh yeh yeh heard it, "and press into the pads of your fingers", huh?! Press into the pads of my fingers? That's new! So I tried it. Suddenly the muscles in my arms engaged, my thighs engaged, even my core. (And yep, the weight really did come out of my wrists).

Such a small change impacted so much, it relieved pressure, brought integrity to my posture, and my muscles started working smart (rather than just hard). It got me thinking how those small changes really make a huge difference.

I used to be a classic yo-yo dieter. I would go on huge health kicks, losing a ton of weight, then slip back into bad habits and pile it all back on. Over the last few years I've taken a more gentle approach with myself, slowly introducing a regular work out routine, led to me eventually practicing an hour of yoga and a little cardio a day. Then, without even realizing it, I found myself shying away from fast foods and sweets and enjoying fruit as a snack. My body started to tell me that caffeine is just not a friend of mine. It makes me anxious and unhappy. I even stopped drinking pop (which I was pretty much addicted to) and started to enjoy komboucha .... seriously, fermented tea, are you kidding me?!

I think the small changes allow you to really feel what's going on, whether it's physical, mental or emotional. They don't give you quick, dramatic results but they're so easy to make that you stick with them and form habits. Habits that can filter out into so many areas of your life that overtime you find yourself happier and healthier. The change is so gentle there's not shock to the system and your body and mind can really tell you what it needs rather than blindly following someone's orders to eat nothing but bacon and watermelon or sit in a sweatbox until you pass out (if you didn't catch it in 2010 three people died trying to follow someone else's path to enlightenment and not listening to their intuition http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/37626688/ns/dateline_nbc/t/deadly-retreat/)

Am I going to eat nothing but green beans and tofu, ummm no, clearly you've not been reading my blog, but have I dramatically improved my diet - yes -and I feel better every day (and more able to make further small changes). Did I, in one yoga class, perfect my chataranga? Nope, that's gonna take me a whiles yet, but I felt something very significant change with the slightest movement, and now I've felt it I can go back to that point and work from there each time I practice, engaging my core more, strengthening more and protecting more, eventually I will have that beautiful low plank ... you'll all hear about it when I get there!

Make a small change, whether it's diet and exercise, relaxing with a past time you've always wanted to enjoy or removing a little of the drama from your life. Take a time check of where you're at right now, and revisit in a few months. You'll be surprised of the changes that have occurred.

My Om is better than your Om

"Is the healing you do physical as well as everything else?"

"the three dimensions, are but one. and that, we are. so most definitely. yet the right answer to that question is however its best received by a specific audience in linear time. ya know what I mean?"

a-sphincter-say-what?!
This is an actual exert from a conversation I had with a friend of mine not too long ago. Now, as a disclaimer, I really like this guy, he's always been very sweet to me, but this was a perfect example of that occasion you try to turn to someone for help and they make you feel so confused and ridiculous that you just back off.

We've all met them right? That guy or gal who thinks they're just so much more zen then you. They look at you with those pitying eyes when you explain you're really enjoying your yoga practice and say something banal like "oh my dear, what you're doing is just an asana practice, true yoga runs so much deeper...".

Don't get me wrong, I know there's a whole lot more to this yoga lark than just a physical practice and I actively work every day to incorporate yoga into all aspects of my life (believe me - it ain't always easy living in LA in 2012, so it's definitely a "practice"). Nonetheless, I try to keep my spiritual and lifestyle opinions to myself unless I am directly asked. Okay okay - that's not strictly true - my ever patient boyfriend and my closest friends do have to put up with me offering my advice whenever I see fit, but that's what they're there for right?! (I'm sure they all gave a big sigh of relief when I finally joined my Teacher Training group and found like-minded yogis who were happy to chat with me all day about doshas and the best asana for a head cold ;)) In general though, I try to honour other people's space and journey, if someone chats to me about it I am really happy to talk and share my personal experiences, suggest books to read, places to visit etc, but I try to respect where they are and what they are looking for, rather than try to push where I believe someone should be.

When I first started yoga I really wasn't looking for anything other than a new style of work out. For me that's all I thought I needed. I was lucky to have a friend that introduced me to yoga and pushed nothing, she was obviously happy, healthy and content and could see that yoga would eventually get me to that stage too, but she did nothing more than suggest I take a class, the rest was up to me. The CorePower Yoga studio suited me perfectly. It looked and felt like a gym - clean, bright and modern - and the teacher didn't try to tell me to "drop into a meditative state", instead he told me to breathe and push it during the core series. The mental and emotional benefits took time for me and I was glad to be able to do this at my own pace. When I approached my friend or one of the teachers about why I felt overwhelmed during half-pigeon they were there to talk to me and help me and they never made me feel anything but secure and safe.

Sadly, that can't be said about everyone I've come across. I've been told on numerous occasions that if I were a true yogi I would be vegan, or that I wouldn't touch alcohol, I've even been told that I couldn't possibly expect to have any sort of spiritual understanding unless I meditate for at least 2-3 hours a day. Well, bugger that! I enjoy cheese pizza and beer far too much and, whilst I'd love to have the time for a regular meditation practice, I also have a full time job and friends, a work-out routine, a puppy and a relationship.

So, here's my advice (whether you asked for it or not :)), you are exactly where you are supposed to be. If you want to know more about yoga then ask someone you trust and love and don't listen to the oh-so-perfect yogis who make you feel like you're at the bottom of the totem pole. More than likely your own yoga practice is actually much clearer and more honest. Think about it this way, if you're really happy with your relationship do you feel the need to shout about it and tell other people how happy you are and how they could possibly achieve such a great boyfriend or girlfriend too? No, more than likely you're so happy you don't have time to preach to others. The same goes for yoga, if you feel someone is judging you for not being as "perfect" as them, just brush it off, they're fighting their own demons. That guy sitting in the lotus position, eyes closed, smiling wryly and shaking his head at your "naive" question about the meaning of Om has much more to deal with than he probably realizes. Walk away and find someone who can really help you.

And to this end, keeping a sense of your own intuition keeps you safe, trust yourself and you will avoid these awkward situations, and importantly those groups or individuals who prey on the open hearts and minds of yogis (unfortunately there are some not so great people out there). Listen to your gut, if something feels off it usually is. And if you're not sure what it's telling you, talk to someone you've trusted for a long time, or someone within a known and respected studio.

Don't ever be made to feel that you're silly for asking a question or that you could never be a "true" yogi because you like to watch Glee and eat a gallon of ice cream on a Tuesday night. Being a yogi is about being the best you that you can possibly be, yoga recognizes any path to an open heart and joyous spirit and it is non-judgmental. Hell, if Robert Downey Jr can be a yogi after all his mischief there's hope for us all!

And if you ever feel hurt or embarrassed by someone's reaction - try to remember this and I guarantee you'll giggle every time.

Testy test-outs

What a weekend!!
Friday started with our CPR Heartsaver class (that brought back some memories after 18months with the AHA!), and a panic over the upcoming written test. Then Saturday was such a high: really amazing "Friends and Family" class where we all taught a couple of postures, followed by the written which was way easier than expected. Then today our final test out. The sheer highs of the weekend, along with the nerves and excitement was overwhelming. It's a crazy feeling to know I've completed something I've poured my heart and soul into for the last 8 weeks.

So what have I learnt?
Firstly - I feel more at home teaching a class and working with people's energy than I have been doing anything else before :) Most importantly, I learnt that my own self-judgments often hold me back. At the start of the course I was worried that people were laughing or gossiping about me. In the past that would have lead to me backing off and not performing to my best, for the first time it actually spurred me to work harder. I needed to prove to myself that I had tried my absolute best whatever the outcome, and I needed to step out of my own judgments. Its true that more often than not the judgements we feel others are passing are our own insecurities and ego screaming at us.
And, although there have been so many lessons over the last 8 weeks, with all the emotions this weekend it seems pertinent to note that I learnt it's okay to be emotional and it's okay to ask for help. I have often tried to hide my true feelings, I suppose I've worried that I'll be seen as weak or that I'll be adding to someone else's troubles. This weekend, particularly tonight, I realised that sometimes you need to be completely honest about what you are feeling and why. Only by doing that was I able to get over it and move on. It's perfectly okay to cry and let everything out, it helps us clear our hearts for the positive emotions we aim to embrace.

Yoga encourages us to do this by physically opening our hips and hearts and preparing us for the mental and emotional release (I bet I'm not the only one to have cried in half pigeon or wanted to scream in camel), but we need to be ready for that next layer. It you feel overwhelmed remember that emotions don't last forever. If you're feeling hurt then cry, scream, shout, then let it go. Don't carry it around with you allowing it to cloud your every decision and action. If it's an option, talk to the people who have hurt you - but be honest, with them and with yourselves (this is how I feel... But I realise I am over stressed / anxious etc). Remember that those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind (thanks Dr Suess for that one!). If that's not an option just let it go, what's the point of holding on to events you can't change, let it go and do what makes you happy, whether that's following your dream to become a yoga teacher or snuggling with you pup on a Sunday night watching Mannequin .... Which is exactly what I'm gonna do right now!

Namaste b*****s ;)

My path

In the Spring of 2009 I was overweight, unfit, stressed at work and miserable. My friends and I, all feeling the same levels of stress and unhappiness at work, decided to take a "biggest loser" challenge with each other. After a couple of weeks it was pretty obvious I wasn't doing well, I couldn't stick to the diet and I wasn't enjoying the gym.

My dear friend Magda (when you think of the perfect yogini you think of Magda: slim, blonde, radiant, dedicated and always ready with an inspiration quote and kind word - the kind of girl I've always looked up to) suggested I change things up and join her in a yoga class. The idea positively terrified me - what would a girl like me do in a class full of peace-loving, tofu-eating size 0s who can twist themselves into a pretzel?! They would shun me? I'd feel completely out of place! Nonetheless, I gave her my word I would "at least try" and, if nothing else, I'm a woman of my word...

I turned up at the Corepower Boulder South studio armed with my borrowed mat, bottle of water and all my judgments and ... I was completely surprised. The studio definitely had it's share of gorgeous slender women in skimpy bright outfits, but, rather than feeling they were giggling at me, I felt welcomed. Now, don't get me wrong, I've come across plenty of "holier than thou" yoga students in my time, we'll talk about that another time. From the staff behind the front desk, to the girls chatting in the locker room, everyone smiled warmly and continued about their business, they didn't point and laugh, or question why someone like me would be in their sacred space.

I took a deep breath and stepped into the large mirrored studio, sat myself at the back of the room and waited for class to begin. The class was challenging, but broken down in simple terms, and a real workout. I left feeling stretched, sweaty and buzzed. That week I returned 4 times, between you, me and the internet, it didn't hurt that the teacher was super cute!!
Over my next few months I signed up on the monthly plan and took up a regular practice. The weight seemed to drop off me (boy did it need to!), my fitness and flexibility increased and my stress levels dropped. It was hard to deny that this yoga stuff really did work.

Unfortunately, I was relocated with my job down to Dallas and all my good work went out the window. I started well and found a great studio in Uptown that I loved. However, as I started to travel, and the pressure from my boss mounted up, and I started to find excuse after excuse for not practicing. By the end of 2010 things came to a head, my health, relationship and happiness were broken, I had no grounding and no peace and I was, to be frank, turning into a bit of a bitch. I'm a true believer that the universe offers you what you need, and after some pretty major shake ups I sat up and started to listen. Life was screaming at me to make a change, make a change now before I truly lose myself in the daily crap that I was burying myself under.

It was tough but little by little I made some changes. Firstly, I found a new studio in North Dallas and I got back into my practice, slowly but surely I started to feel better about myself and I was able to reassess my priorities and choices. Within a few months an opportunity to move back West to LA arose.

I quit the long hours and low pay and humidity and moved to the city where a Size 2 is considered fat. Now I'd got a few things in check it was time to sort out my lifestyle. That's pretty much where you meet me...

I found Corepower here in LA and picked up a couple of hours a week. It didn't take long to realize that the time spent in the studio was giving me a sense of happiness and confidence that I so desperately needed. Over the next couple of months I really cleaned out my life, I started with the emotional baggage and cut some of the crap and drama out that I'd been clinging too, and in February this year I made the leap into teaching yoga.

My hope is that I can inspire others the way my yoga teachers and practice inspires me on a daily basis, to be the best person I can be, to be happy, healthy and positive.
I'm not your typical "skinny mini" in a bra top and short shorts, but I'm working on it. It's a challenge to get up off the couch to go to the studio, and it's hard not to pick up the phone and order a pizza every night, but it's one that I know is worth it. The way I feel after class, the way my body is changing and my mind and emotions are responding is amazing.

This is my story...