Learning to Listen

I’m the type of person who wants to help as much as possible. When I’m put into a situation where someone needs to talk I’m there ready and willing.

It has taken me some time to realize that, despite all my best intentions, whist I listen, I have a bad habit of always trying to “fix” the situation through offering advice or condolences. I play into my own need, and if I’m honest, my own ego that wants to ‘put things right’.

My advice and help always comes from the heart, which isn’t a bad start, but I still need to learn to listen instead of just hear.

As I delve into my Urban Zen training I have started to read and understand the importance of approaching situations lovingly and from a point of not-knowing. To take the time to really listen to people when they need to talk and to let them lead the conversation, taking note of what is not said as much as what is said, and most importantly to be okay with things not being okay.

I’ve often said during class that’s it’s perfectly okay to not be okay, to have an off day, to not feel great but still turn up and be present. The same is true of listening: it is okay to not be able to fix things, often people just need to talk and be heard.

I am slowly practicing the art of listening (because I believe it is indeed an art, and one that requires much practice). To step back from my need to make things better, and just let things be, allowing myself to be present to everything that comes up and therefore give my full attention whomever needs it.

If you find yourself falling into the same trap I do, try some of the following tricks:

*        Listen without agenda: allow the speaker to talk and hold your peace, notice what comes up for you, do you feel agitated, desperate to respond? It’s all good, just take a breath and carry on listening

*        Use a “speaking stick”: if you find, as I do, that you often interrupt to offer council, use a physical object to pass between yourself and the speaker. Allow them to determine when they want to hear your advice and when they just need a friend

*        Hold eye-contact: even when someone is opening up about a difficult or traumatic experience that you cannot change or fix, the intimacy of eye-contact can provide so much more solace than words

*        If you’re unsure, just ask: ask what the speaker needs. Do they want your opinions or do they just need to release a little?

*        Mind your energy: if you find that you are always on the receiving end make sure that you have your own outlets. If it feels like a draining, bad relationship where you are being used because you listen well – protect yourself by explaining clearly what you can and cannot provide. Be mindful of how much time and energy you are willing to spend and communicate that. Protect yourself so you avoid feeling overwrought and used which often leads to a need to find a ‘quick fix’ so you can move on. Remember that bringing bad energy into a relationship, no matter how well-intentioned, is more dangerous than no energy.

*        Do your best: no more, no less. You will have bad days, tired days, you will slip up and talk over people and interrupt, just keep coming back to your heart and try again, learning a little more each time.

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.Winston Churchill

Take some alone time

Ever since I started yoga I've felt "naughty" for not having a regular meditation practice. I felt guilty for not sitting in a dark room chanting every morning.
The more I read, the more I realise how important meditation is, but also how many different ways there are to meditate. Meditation gives us time to reflect, it can be a little scary being completely honest but without that there's no way to unravel all the nonesense and to truly hear out intuition over all the noise of modern life.

Here are some of my favourite ways to find a little solitude and self-reflection:

• Go for a drive: perfect for everyday (no need to worry about a little rain) don't see the backup on the 405 as a reason to stress, take a deep breath, put on some calming tunes and quiet your mind... Just don't drift off too much, I don't want to see your insurance bill
• Go for a walk: there's nothing better for me than 30 mins a day with my pups and the open air. The more regularly I go, the more I resist the temptation to call and chat with friends, the better I feel by the end of it.
• Take a bath: warm bubbles, candles - who says you need someone else to be romantic, take time to learn to love yourself, it will shine from every pore and you'll smell pretty great too
• Workout: use your swim, run, weights or asana practice as a moving meditation. Make sure, however you work up a sweat, that you take at least 5 mins after to sit or lie quietly and tune out. We all know working out oxygenates the blood and releases endorphins, what better way to self-reflect than when you're feeling alive and awesome?!
• Take a meditation class: most yoga studios offer groups or classes, if you can't find one that works check out the sessions on yogaglo.com and let someone guide you to your zen space.
• Go to bed 30 mins earlier and turn off the voices: I can lie awake for hours running over things that happened throughout the day, things I wish I'd done in the past or my dreams for the future - it's engaging and entertaining but it's also exhausting and unreal. There's a time for daydreaming and there's a time for quiet. Take your pre-sleep time and just be quiet, focus on your breathe and be present, you can't change anything that went before and you can't see what's coming next so stop worrying about it and let your ego go for a while. Not only will you drift off into a better sleep, but you'll find you slowly bring the ability to breathe and be present into your waking hours too.

Now go and get your om on! Namaste