It's okay to be a little selfish...

If you're anything like me, you always try to help those in need. It gives you that warm fuzzy feeling and it really is part and parcel of being a yogi - sending that love out to everyone. But before you start polishing your halo it's important to ask yourself whether you're helping others because it feels right or just because you feel you "should" ... if, from time to time, it's the latter, this might be a good opportunity to ask yourself why.

I always try to go out of my way for other people when they need my help, and I welcome anyone who needs a shoulder to cry on. However, I am learning that sometimes, it's okay to be a little selfish too, in fact, sometimes it is important to look after myself first and not spread myself too thinly in my attempts to be the Good Samaritan. It's like they say when you take-off "If you are travelling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person." You can't help others if you are not functioning at 100%, you can end up doing more damage than good - to yourself and to the people around you.

Far too often I've tried to take on much more than I can reasonable cope with, trying to help everyone who asks for it, or I deem needs it, and in turn ending up dropping the ball on all sides and leaving everyone stranded.

So, with that in mind, here are a few tips for loving smart, not just hard:

• Watch out for drainers: It's hard to admit when you are trying to find the good in everyone, that the world is full of drama-queens. We've all met them. It might be the girl you meet in the bathroom crying because her boyfriend ran 10 minutes late and didn't apologize properly, or perhaps your work mate who is close to nervous break-down every day because he's "so stressed", or even your good friend who always seems to get their own way because they've had "such a bad day". You kowtow to their every need and demand but you get that nagging feeling that something isn't right and each episode with these people leaves you feeling emotionally drained. Next time you get that feeling I invite you to listen to your intuition. Is the emotional outburst from a stranger really something you need to get involved in? Perhaps a smile is enough and you don't need to spend the next 30 minutes consoling someone and neglecting the friends you were there for. Rather than spend time gossiping about the state of the company you work in, maybe you could suggest your colleague tries a different approach to his work or speaks to his manager? Next time you make plans and your friend cancels, how about you stick to them and invite other people? You might be surprised how quickly your BFF cheers up and joins you when they're no longer centre of attention.Who really needs your help? I've noticed it's easier to help those who shout loudest, but in the process I sometimes overlook those who are really in need of my TLC. Look at what's happening around you, is there someone who's withdrawing a little? Are you spending so much time tending to the drama that you're missing the real issues? Are you so drained from all your "good deeds" that you take things out on the people closest to you? And most importantly, are you so involved in the drama around you that you're ignoring the areas of your own life that need your attention and care?
• Does the latest charity case you're investing in really want your help? This is a tough one, because it means accepting most of us have a little of the busybody in us. Sometimes your way is not the best way. Just because you think you can help someone does not always mean they want your help. Everyone has to live their own path. Be honest with yourself. If someone is really responding badly to your help perhaps you're being too intrusive, perhaps they're not in a place to accept it or perhaps they just don't need it. Now I'm not suggesting you turn a blind eye when someone is truly hurting themselves, however, that needs to be the question. Is this person really in danger or in pain or do I just feel I could do it better? Remember, nobody likes a know-it-all, just because being vegan makes you feel great, doesn't mean it's going to help your buddy lose 10lbs, and perhaps they don't want to. Take your personal judgement out when you are trying to help people. This ties into my next tip:
• Listen: Listen to what you're being told and not told. Don't make assumptions, don't judge and don't force your views on other people. Often when we look for help we really just need someone to listen to us and to truly hear us. I'm guilty of offering my advice where it's not wanted. Looking back, I can see that more often than not, I needed to feel better about myself, and it helped to hear my own voice offer advice. I've come to realize, that often people don't want your advice, they just need an ear and it's okay if they muddle through things in their own way as long as they have you by their side as a confidante.
• Are they helping themselves? When I was feeling sorry for myself my dad always used to say to me "Poor little sparrow, poor little thing, got no feather, got no wing .... shoot the useless b**tard". Okay okay he was doing it very tongue in cheek and it still makes me giggle to this day (which was exactly what I needed) but it makes a very good point, if someone's life truly is that tragic are you really going to be able to help them? Some people cry wolf. I'm not saying there is not a lot of deep and dark stuff out there, rather that you need to keep your wits about you. If someone really wants your help, they will also be looking to help themselves. They are looking for an emotional leg up, not to live life vicariously through you, nor to drag you down as well. Some people need tough love, you don't have to be a bitch about it, but you do need to nip it in the bud quickly.
• Charity starts at home: We've all heard this old phrase, but what does it really mean? To me it means I need to ensure a balance in my life. It's okay for me to call a friend back so I can make my yoga class, rather than sit on the phone for hours and miss out. It's okay for me to take time to sleep well, eat well and be happy even if my friend is not. Protecting yourself gives you the energy and ability to truly love and support those around you.

And finally...

• Ask for help: Just because you're the shoulder to cry on for so many people, doesn't mean that you don't have moments when you need some extra love yourself. It's okay to ask for help, in fact, it often builds stronger, more honest and true relationships when you can admit your flaws and allow your friends to support you. It gives them those same warm fuzzies that we love so much, it's okay to share those from time to time :)