Take it off the mat

Before moving to NYC I worked with an amazing dog trainer in LA for a little over a year. When I first called him I was at the end of my leash (pun intended!); I'd tried a number of techniques, a number of trainers all with no success. My pups are both young, boisterous boys, and they were beginning to show some pretty strong signs of aggression.

When I first called Matt, he was my last hope, I felt like I was a danger to my dogs; that in all likelihood, if things kept going the way they were, I would end up with either a legal battle after a bite, or worse, losing my young pup, Maverick.  On that very first phone call with The Zen Dog I was calmly told "you'll learn more about yourself in this process then you will about your dogs, this is a change you have to make".

If you're in LA you can find the amazing support of Matt and Brooklin and their fabulous team at The Zen Dog

A light bulb immediately went off. All these years of yoga practice, and several months of teacher training down, and I still figured that I could force a change in other creatures; that the problem was completely out of my control and the fault of my "aggressive" dogs. To be told so bluntly - it's not them it's you - was empowering. Suddenly I didn't have ill-behaved dogs that needed discipline, rather I was allowing the behaviour to continue and I needed to become Alpha. I didn't have to rely on tricks and treats and squirt guns to regain control (all tried with incredibly short-term success given how quick my smart boys worked out what was going on), rather I had to be confident in myself, find my strength and remain calm and composed.

The key to success: hard work, dedication and trusting the journey ... all the things I had been telling my students to do on their mat and yet I had trouble finding off the mat.

There were so many times I would feel defeated. That the task at hand was too much, too overwhelming to do alone. Luckily I had my gurus at the end of the phone to remind me how far I had already come, how well the pups were responding and how happy and calm they were becoming in the process.

So many moments stand out for me, moments when I lost my calm and the explosion of barking and growling that would follow, moments when I was stressed or emotional in the morning and I would come home to a torn up apartment and a very sorry looking boy in the corner, and moments when I remembered what was needed, I took my time and did my best and both pups responded in kind, by calming down and doing their best to follow their Alpha.

It is a work in progress, I still work daily on Maverick's leash aggression toward other dogs, and on Socks' incessant barking, but I have learnt so much and we have come so far as a mini pack. From having two dogs who couldn't really stand each other, and a young pup who attacked any person or dog who came near me or him, to having two healthy brothers - rough-housing but knowing when to stop, eager to play and well behaved in the off-leash parks, protective in the home but welcoming to all human guests when they see I invite them in.

I found strength in myself - the ability to be strong, be tough but not harsh or mean

I found calmness and patience - the ability to take a breath and pause, allowing my initially reaction to become a positive action

I found balance - to have time to curl up in a ball of fluff for snuggles, but to keep a healthy detachment at the dog park so the boys could be dogs, properly, and figure themselves out

Most of all, and something I never realized I was lacking, I found trust. Trust in my dogs, that they are happy and want this to work as much as I do. Trust in the process, I learnt that being committed to the journey was far more important than being attached to the outcome. Trust in myself, I learnt that I am strong enough and my best is good enough.
It was a break-through for me, to truly believe that sometimes you have to just close your eyes and trust - know that it will be a long journey, but it is worth it, and as I go I am constantly progressing and improving.

“There’s no value in digging shallow wells in a hundred places. Decide on one place and dig deep. Even if you encounter a rock, use dynamite and keep going down. If you leave that to dig another well, all the first effort is wasted and there is no proof you won’t hit rock again. (52)” ― Swami Satchidananda, The Yoga Sutras

Or put another way:

7 Reasons To Get Over Yourself

Since I've been feeling in a bit of a funk the past couple of weeks I decided to write my Top 7 Reasons to Get Over Myself

1) Because nobody likes a victim

Seriously. When was the last time you really enjoyed hanging out with that person who just couldn't enjoy themselves, or your company, because everything was just ... not quite right? Playing the victim, makes you the victim, and it's a drain on those around you. Your best friends will always be there for you when things get tough (if they're not you have to question whether they're truly friends), but if every day is cloudy and grey and you are looking to others to lift your spirits, you're just not being fair.

I notice when I feel that way out, when I'm just grumpy and need some space - that's exactly what I should take. I'm not talking about when I need support and uplift, but when it's just a grey day. It is very tempting to moan and complain, but ultimately I end up feeling worse then when I started. As my mum would say "if you can't find anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". Sound advice!

2) Because laughter is the best medicine...

It's such a well known phrase for a reason

• Laughter relaxes the whole body. A good, hearty laugh relieves physical tension and stress, leaving your muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes after.
• Laughter boosts the immune system. Laughter decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease.
• Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain.
• Laughter protects the heart. Laughter improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect you against a heart attack and other cardiovascular problems. 
• http://www.helpguide.org/life/humor_laughter_health.htm

Next time you mess up try to find the comedy, it's usually right there if you look, through the weeds of "it's not fair" and "everyone is against me" is the sheer hilarity that is real life, find it and soak it up, I guarantee you'll feel better.

3) ....not to mention the best beauty treatment

Taking yourself too seriously = frowning

Frowning = wrinkles

Chill out and save on the anti-aging!

4) Because when you have no responsibility you have no power

When we behave like the world is against us, we're essentially saying "it's not our fault". Pushing responsibility to external factors. It's a short term fix and I get it. But revoking our responsibility relinquishes our power over our own lives. Importantly, it's a learned behaviour, so start on the small stuff. It's not the fault of the Universe that the train isn't here yet and you're late for work, it's yours for not getting out of bed 5 minutes early. It's not your damn computer's fault for losing all your work, it's yours for not saving it regularly. Start to accept responsibility, put behaviour patterns and actions in place to avoid situations and you will quickly find that the world seems much lighter because much less goes wrong. It also helps you find the humour when stuff does go wrong, it's much easier to laugh when you realize you probably shouldn't have worn your Uggs out in the pouring rain and now you're squelching around like a swamp monster.

5) Because the Universe is on your side

Really it is. Truly it is. It wants you to succeed. But it's not going to give it to you easily, and it doesn't like victims either. Start listening to the lessons and accepting your place. You're here for a reason, start being grateful for that and chill the hell out!

6) Because life's too short

The quicker you can get over the little, mindless rubbish, the quicker you get to the good juicy stuff. Just let it go, flow with it. Have a bad day here and there, everyone does, but try to spend the bulk of your days happy. That way, when the proverbial s*** hits the fan, you have something to look back on; a happiness store if you will (thank you Gretchen Rubin for that idea - btw check out The Happiness Project - pretty great read)

7) Because things just aren't as bad as they seem

Usually. Okay sometimes things really are bad. But I've found, those people who are generally brighter and more optimistic and responsible for their lives, found coping with adversity and tragedy much easier. So be realistic. Is it really the end of the world? Is everyone really against you? Or are you beginning to alienate friends and reject help because you're in the depths of your own despair? Taking a really hard look at the situation often helps gain a lot of perspective. 

Next time things are piling up and you feel yourself slipping into the "woe is me"s, try to be your own best friend. What would you say to someone else in your shoes?

Face your fears, laugh at your mistakes and just get over yourself. Go on...

Simple wisdom

It is always such a pleasant surprise when someone says the simplest thing and they don't even realize the depth and significance of it.

During my Bikram class, right after our first Camel pose our teacher commented about people grabbing for their water bottles. He simply said:

Often we get these intense uncomfortable feelings, if we drink we just push them back down.

How true ... in so many ways.

Brilliant.

YOUnique

u·nique   [yoo-neek] 

adjective

1. existing as the only one or as the sole example; single; solitary in type or characteristics

1. having no like or equal; unparalleled; incomparable

There is no-one else, alive or dead, who has ever experienced exactly where you are. The combination of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pulls that make you YOU, make you truly unique.

To know that, that no-one else can, or will, ever be you is phenomenal. Imagine that! Without even trying you are one of a kind, unparalleled, incomparable and completely awesome. For every good thing, every bad thing, everything in between, it's time to ...

With this in mind, can you give yourself ... and others ... some slack? Since no-one will ever really "get it", can you give them credit for trying? Allow them the space to help and allow yourself the space to heal? Don't be mad when someone you love falls short; when they don't know exactly where you are coming from, or can't preempt your feelings.
Equally don't get frustrated, panicked, anxious or depressed when you make mistakes. There is no blueprint for you. What has gone before can act as a guide, like a memory of a journey once traveled, one that has been partially forgotten, changed by environment and time, and has so many unexplored twists and turns. But it is no more than a guide, your journey is yours alone.

When you do you, you are outstanding, perfect and exactly as you should be.

So cheers to that.

I'd love to hear some of the unique things that you have learnt to love - leave me a comment below ...

Finding Solace in Solitude

It's hard to have missed the social commentary on social commentary these days. Recently this brilliant video made the rounds on Facebook and Twitter: Loneliness: Shimi Cohen. Shimi captures and lays out the basic principles of Dunbar's number (Wikipedia Dunbar's number) and recent research surrounding depression, loneliness and social interaction.

Online social networking has always struck me as a two-headed demon. I love having the ability to keep up with distant friends, find new interests, articles and news easily and promote work, hobbies and causes. Yet, at the same time, I find too much time spent online emotionally draining. In the the past more often than I would like to admit I would get frustrated, angry, upset and tense reading my Facebook newsfeed. Seeing so many black and white views on topics that require so much more discussion, thought and CONVERSATION drove me crazy. My blood boiled as I hammered my keyboard typing out a comment, playing devil's advocate or just down-right negating everything I deem to be incorrect.

I began to feel addicted to the drama of it all and my Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO) hit an unhealthy level. Simultaneously I felt more alone, the more I read, the more alienated and different I felt from everyone I was interacting with. I was truly falling into the trap laid out so beautifully by Shimi.

I decided that I needed to put into place some regulations on my own social networking, just as I have in place in my 'real life':

1. No Facebook until after breakfast: it sounds silly, but waking up in the morning I found the first thing I would do was check my newsfeed. I was starting my entire day off with these negative thoughts, before I'd even woken up and put food in my belly. Setting aside time to get myself up, dressed, fed and out with my pups reset my entire day. I also found very quickly I cared less. Unless I had something I wanted to update, other people's posts were way lower down my priority list (no offence guys, I love you, but what you had for dinner last night is not my #1 for the day)
2. Numbers don't equate Friendships: While I find the idea of restricting myself to 150 members of my social group hard .... I'll explain that shortly ... there is a very simple quality over quantity sum. Reducing the number of Facebook friends started to surface more of my true friends in my feed, people I wanted to keep up with. The easiest way of doing this (because working through a huge friends list is daunting) I found is to remove people as they appear. This way it's no fuss, and it feels really cathartic to update slowly, like slowly refining a piece of art ;)
1. If you flash up in my feed and I can't fathom how we're connected, I remove you
2. If you flash up in my feed and I find you offensive or so completely opposed to my beliefs and the way I wish to live, I remove you
3. If you spam me, I remove you
3. Scheduled breaks: without any big dramatic status update or account deletion, I stop using social networks every so often. It's quite humbling to realize that everything will carry on just fine without you and it is very relieving to realize that you are missing nothing. If it's important your friends will call you: if it's not, it will wait.
4. Stay Positive: if I'm having a bad day I call a friend, read a book, cuddle my pups or cry (folks never underestimate the healing power of a good old cry!!). I don't post it on Facebook. I feel stronger and more accomplished dealing with my own emotions. In the past I would post the obnoxiously vague status update, secretly hoping that it would make me feel better to have people comment on it ... it never did, I just felt more hopeless. Keeping my Facebook positive helps me to keep my thoughts positive and I avoid the trap of feeling bad for too long.

I try to do this as quietly and calmly as possible - always reducing the drama. My simple mantra is:

These simple rules helped me to regain some balance and grounding from where I was able to really assess what was going on. The idea presented by Dunbar's number that I need to reduce my social network (online or otherwise) to 150 people to avoid loneliness and depression just doesn't sit well with me.

As Buddhists say, we are all Inter-Beings, interacting in the "Interisness". The idea of limiting our social circle to 150 people strikes me as a very Western construct, based on the principle of individuality and detachment. I believe that you can create, and maintain deep and true connections with as many people as you meet, if you approach everyone from a place of non-attachment, love and 'oneness'. To understand that your words, thoughts, energy can impact everyone positively or negatively is a truly powerful realization. The key difference is detachment vs non-attachment. Knowing that we are all one but we are moving on our own path, and we have no right or will to control another. You cannot move into any relationship with an expectation. You can only give without any hope to receive. And yes, that is as hard as it sounds, but it is possible. The key, I think, is to recognize that there is only 1 person you will ever have a true life-long relationship with, only 1 person who will ever know your deepest desires, the words that hurt, the moments that make you smile, only 1 person with whom you will share everything. The person who sits here and reads this blog.
Take the time to get to know you. To be honest and open with yourself. Keep a journal and keep it positive - find all the reasons you are unique, amazing, awe inspiring and be grateful. And most importantly, give yourself a break. You can only do your best, stop expecting perfection. There will be days when the drama is intoxicating, days when you feel lonely and that's okay - have a strategy to pull you out, build your own rules whether that's finding a past time, picking up the phone with an old friend or sleeping it off, find what works and apply it as soon as you feel the blues set in.

Taking the time to remove yourself from the rush of information and opinions online provides you with the space to really understand yourself and your feelings. Take back control of your own happiness.

For me, taking responsibility for my own heart and finding the ability to enjoy my own company was a much more successful strategy than fretting over which 150 people would make my 'friend' list.


What a lovely surprise to discover how un-lonely being alone can be ~ Ellen Burstyn

The two year itch...

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. - Lao Tzu 

Since I was 18 I've not stayed in one spot longer than 2 years. I've lived in the North of England, the South of England, Colorado, Texas and California in under 10 years and last month I took the plunge again and drove across country to set up shop in New York City.

As I've found with everything, moving is challenging, stressful, emotional and the doorway to some of the most amazing adventures I've had.

Having moved so often has created a strange dichotomy; on the one hand I haven't laid any roots since I lived with my parents which leaves me feeling a little detached and vulnerable, on the other I've met more amazing, unique people than otherwise possible and have build strong, lasting relationships across two continents.

As I packed up my Honda Civic and prepared to tackle the 4 day trek with my dear friend Jason (just one of the many shining stars I met in Dallas), I came to realize that "home" truly is exactly what you make it. Everything I need, everything that keeps me laughing, sane, grounded and balanced can fit into 13 cu. ft.

Home, for me, is a safe environment full of hugs and puppy kisses. It's the space I can return to where I feel myself again. I can recharge my batteries and rest.

Moving, like letting go of anything, comes with a cost. The physical loss of seeing friends, teaching classes, enjoying the CA sun is hard. The simple truth is, everything worthwhile comes at a cost. "Letting go" opens up space for development, growth and experience. And, as the old saying goes, "the more things change, the more they stay the same". I have come to notice that as I physically move and build new routines and social circles, I become more acutely aware of the friends who remain with me - regardless of time zones, distance, time apart - they are my rocks, always available at the end of the phone, always ready to comfort me when I am lonely and celebrate my success.

Letting go is different for all of us. It comes at different times but it is always one of the hardest things we can do. Whether it is a home, a job, a friendship, a lost love or a perceived sense of self we have been clinging to; releasing our grip allows us the space to breath ... the exhale that teaches us, reassuringly, that the next inhale always comes. There will always be something greater on the other side when we truly let go. There will always be constants, our buoys in the choppy sea, keeping us afloat and guiding us to our next adventure.

"There's nothing to fear but fear itself"... at least so they say.

 Recently I've been talking to my students a lot about facing our fears, believing in ourselves and striving for success. It raised a question in my mind - why do we fear? or more accurately what do we fear? What changes as we grow and age that takes our natural positive energy and 'can do' attitude and turns us into pessimistic, fearful, introverts?

The answer is obvious right? Failure. We learn over the years the pain of failure, so we fear that feeling and begin to back off. But the more I dig into this in my life, I don't believe that is the case. The fear of failure is very easy to rationalize, we can safely say we will not try something because of all the things that could go wrong, all the things that may have gone wrong in the past, or we have seen others go through, however, there is a deeper desire in all of us that would quickly overcome that fear if that really was the root of our hesitation.

I believe the answer is a much harder one for us to face, it is an answer that raises so many other questions and commentary on our true selves that we shy away from it. We are not scared of failure, rather, we are scared of success.

Bare with me, I know you're thinking that that's just plain crazy, how could you be scared of getting exactly what you're looking for.... but this is where the questions start to crop up.

How do we know what we are truly looking for? What if we've got it wrong?
Over the years we have experienced our changing desires and dreams. What if this latest goal changes next week? What if we put so much work into something and then find that we change our minds again? As humans we are fickle, there are so many options open to us, so many distractions in our daily lives, it's hard to listen to our deepest desires and really know if they are ours. 
Underneath all the noise though, there is a quite knowledge that something is right. It may well change in the future, and that's okay, but right now, in this moment, it is the right thing for us, and we should strive toward that.

What happens when we reach our goal? What is left? Do we just stop? What if the success we have dreamed of isn't all it's cracked up to be?
I call this Boxing Day Syndrome and it is the one that rings most true to me. Boxing Day (the day after Christmas for my American lovelies not aware of our bizarre British naming conventions) has reportedly been named "the most boring day of the year". Remember the month of December as a child? All that expectation. Every day opening up your advent calendar (is that yet another British tradition?) and knowing that Santa is 1 day closer. Then it's here, the presents, the cartoons on the telly and too many sweets to even talk about, it is the best of best days. And the next day .... it's all done. BDS sets in. The idea of waiting another 364 days for that joy again is almost crippling. Boxing Day sucks.
Achieving our goals can feel so much like that.
I dreamt for years of moving overseas, my destination changed many times (sometimes depending on what movie I'd just seen, sometimes depending on who I had the latest crush on), but at my core I knew I wanted to travel. When I moved to the US in 2007 I hit a wall. I'd done it. But it didn't feel great. I felt homesick, work was hard and I didn't really know what I was working toward any more, what was the point? I felt like I was just ticking down the hours, paying the bills and I didn't know what was left to do.

What if we're successful and others are not?
That dirty feeling is hard to shift, especially when you are looking at people you love, your friends, your family. The hard truth is, you are not responsible for them. As much as we like to believe, as our ego tells us, that we are the central point in everyone else's life, that everyone revolves around us, we are only responsible for ourselves and our own journey. Others will take what they want in terms of inspiration, jealousy, support, but we do not control that.

What if our success takes us out of our current comfort zone? Who do we leave behind? What is waiting for us behind the door of success?
Success, by it's very nature, means we have to leave something behind. We transition, we grow, we learn and in that process we move on, if we're lucky the people we love most dearly grow with us and walk alongside us, but more often then not we have to leave people behind. It's terrifying. Letting go of what we know, walking into the dark...
This can only be answered with another question - if you were happy in your current space, would you even be looking, thinking, dreaming of anything else?

Take the leap.

The truth is, all these fears are real, rational, and can and probably will aspire to some degree, but the deeper truth is, that success doesn't mean we've reached the end of our journey. There really is no end, there is always another goal, another rung on the ladder that we're climbing. 

Life doesn't end when you achieve your goals, it just gets a little better and you strive to make it better still.

Just as in our asana practice, we continually strive to make each posture more complete, there is always somewhere else to go. There is always a muscle to engage, a bone to align, a breath to deepen. The same is true in life. You can strive to find the perfect relationship, land your perfect partner and still strive to make that relationship stronger, happier and more complete every day. You can find the job of your dreams and still work every day to do your best and shine in your role.

For me personally, I found yoga. Yoga taught me that my move to the US was just a chapter in my book. Once I realized that I found new passions, I found new hobbies and most importantly new goals. I've moved around physically and emotionally a lot, now I seek stability; I've moved around the corporate world, now I start my journey into the healing arts and I have found a burning desire to, and with it a knack at, bringing this to others. Now I have re-discovered that feeling that my life has only just begun, that I have so much to experience, to learn and to try, I feel more clueless today then ever and it's the greatest feeling, to approach life in the knowledge that you really know nothing but it's all there for the taking.

Let go of the goals and start to enjoy the journey, remembering we are only truly alive when we are moving, learning, growing.

It is okay to be successful, let go of the ego that tells you "no", push to be the absolute best that you possibly can be, the perfect expression of you, and enjoy the feeling when you achieve that. Live for those moments, when you scale a peak and look down at how far you've come and celebrate; let your success shine, let your heart fill with joy, and be an inspiration to everyone you meet. Then, take a deep breath, steady yourself, and look up, for there are far more peaks to climb.