Take it off the mat

Before moving to NYC I worked with an amazing dog trainer in LA for a little over a year. When I first called him I was at the end of my leash (pun intended!); I'd tried a number of techniques, a number of trainers all with no success. My pups are both young, boisterous boys, and they were beginning to show some pretty strong signs of aggression.

When I first called Matt, he was my last hope, I felt like I was a danger to my dogs; that in all likelihood, if things kept going the way they were, I would end up with either a legal battle after a bite, or worse, losing my young pup, Maverick.  On that very first phone call with The Zen Dog I was calmly told "you'll learn more about yourself in this process then you will about your dogs, this is a change you have to make".

If you're in LA you can find the amazing support of Matt and Brooklin and their fabulous team at The Zen Dog

A light bulb immediately went off. All these years of yoga practice, and several months of teacher training down, and I still figured that I could force a change in other creatures; that the problem was completely out of my control and the fault of my "aggressive" dogs. To be told so bluntly - it's not them it's you - was empowering. Suddenly I didn't have ill-behaved dogs that needed discipline, rather I was allowing the behaviour to continue and I needed to become Alpha. I didn't have to rely on tricks and treats and squirt guns to regain control (all tried with incredibly short-term success given how quick my smart boys worked out what was going on), rather I had to be confident in myself, find my strength and remain calm and composed.

The key to success: hard work, dedication and trusting the journey ... all the things I had been telling my students to do on their mat and yet I had trouble finding off the mat.

There were so many times I would feel defeated. That the task at hand was too much, too overwhelming to do alone. Luckily I had my gurus at the end of the phone to remind me how far I had already come, how well the pups were responding and how happy and calm they were becoming in the process.

So many moments stand out for me, moments when I lost my calm and the explosion of barking and growling that would follow, moments when I was stressed or emotional in the morning and I would come home to a torn up apartment and a very sorry looking boy in the corner, and moments when I remembered what was needed, I took my time and did my best and both pups responded in kind, by calming down and doing their best to follow their Alpha.

It is a work in progress, I still work daily on Maverick's leash aggression toward other dogs, and on Socks' incessant barking, but I have learnt so much and we have come so far as a mini pack. From having two dogs who couldn't really stand each other, and a young pup who attacked any person or dog who came near me or him, to having two healthy brothers - rough-housing but knowing when to stop, eager to play and well behaved in the off-leash parks, protective in the home but welcoming to all human guests when they see I invite them in.

I found strength in myself - the ability to be strong, be tough but not harsh or mean

I found calmness and patience - the ability to take a breath and pause, allowing my initially reaction to become a positive action

I found balance - to have time to curl up in a ball of fluff for snuggles, but to keep a healthy detachment at the dog park so the boys could be dogs, properly, and figure themselves out

Most of all, and something I never realized I was lacking, I found trust. Trust in my dogs, that they are happy and want this to work as much as I do. Trust in the process, I learnt that being committed to the journey was far more important than being attached to the outcome. Trust in myself, I learnt that I am strong enough and my best is good enough.
It was a break-through for me, to truly believe that sometimes you have to just close your eyes and trust - know that it will be a long journey, but it is worth it, and as I go I am constantly progressing and improving.

“There’s no value in digging shallow wells in a hundred places. Decide on one place and dig deep. Even if you encounter a rock, use dynamite and keep going down. If you leave that to dig another well, all the first effort is wasted and there is no proof you won’t hit rock again. (52)” ― Swami Satchidananda, The Yoga Sutras

Or put another way:

The two year itch...

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. - Lao Tzu 

Since I was 18 I've not stayed in one spot longer than 2 years. I've lived in the North of England, the South of England, Colorado, Texas and California in under 10 years and last month I took the plunge again and drove across country to set up shop in New York City.

As I've found with everything, moving is challenging, stressful, emotional and the doorway to some of the most amazing adventures I've had.

Having moved so often has created a strange dichotomy; on the one hand I haven't laid any roots since I lived with my parents which leaves me feeling a little detached and vulnerable, on the other I've met more amazing, unique people than otherwise possible and have build strong, lasting relationships across two continents.

As I packed up my Honda Civic and prepared to tackle the 4 day trek with my dear friend Jason (just one of the many shining stars I met in Dallas), I came to realize that "home" truly is exactly what you make it. Everything I need, everything that keeps me laughing, sane, grounded and balanced can fit into 13 cu. ft.

Home, for me, is a safe environment full of hugs and puppy kisses. It's the space I can return to where I feel myself again. I can recharge my batteries and rest.

Moving, like letting go of anything, comes with a cost. The physical loss of seeing friends, teaching classes, enjoying the CA sun is hard. The simple truth is, everything worthwhile comes at a cost. "Letting go" opens up space for development, growth and experience. And, as the old saying goes, "the more things change, the more they stay the same". I have come to notice that as I physically move and build new routines and social circles, I become more acutely aware of the friends who remain with me - regardless of time zones, distance, time apart - they are my rocks, always available at the end of the phone, always ready to comfort me when I am lonely and celebrate my success.

Letting go is different for all of us. It comes at different times but it is always one of the hardest things we can do. Whether it is a home, a job, a friendship, a lost love or a perceived sense of self we have been clinging to; releasing our grip allows us the space to breath ... the exhale that teaches us, reassuringly, that the next inhale always comes. There will always be something greater on the other side when we truly let go. There will always be constants, our buoys in the choppy sea, keeping us afloat and guiding us to our next adventure.