Online social networking has always struck me as a two-headed demon. I love having the ability to keep up with distant friends, find new interests, articles and news easily and promote work, hobbies and causes. Yet, at the same time, I find too much time spent online emotionally draining. In the the past more often than I would like to admit I would get frustrated, angry, upset and tense reading my Facebook newsfeed. Seeing so many black and white views on topics that require so much more discussion, thought and CONVERSATION drove me crazy. My blood boiled as I hammered my keyboard typing out a comment, playing devil's advocate or just down-right negating everything I deem to be incorrect.
I began to feel addicted to the drama of it all and my Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO) hit an unhealthy level. Simultaneously I felt more alone, the more I read, the more alienated and different I felt from everyone I was interacting with. I was truly falling into the trap laid out so beautifully by Shimi.
I decided that I needed to put into place some regulations on my own social networking, just as I have in place in my 'real life':
- No Facebook until after breakfast: it sounds silly, but waking up in the morning I found the first thing I would do was check my newsfeed. I was starting my entire day off with these negative thoughts, before I'd even woken up and put food in my belly. Setting aside time to get myself up, dressed, fed and out with my pups reset my entire day. I also found very quickly I cared less. Unless I had something I wanted to update, other people's posts were way lower down my priority list (no offence guys, I love you, but what you had for dinner last night is not my #1 for the day)
- Numbers don't equate Friendships: While I find the idea of restricting myself to 150 members of my social group hard .... I'll explain that shortly ... there is a very simple quality over quantity sum. Reducing the number of Facebook friends started to surface more of my true friends in my feed, people I wanted to keep up with. The easiest way of doing this (because working through a huge friends list is daunting) I found is to remove people as they appear. This way it's no fuss, and it feels really cathartic to update slowly, like slowly refining a piece of art ;)
- If you flash up in my feed and I can't fathom how we're connected, I remove you
- If you flash up in my feed and I find you offensive or so completely opposed to my beliefs and the way I wish to live, I remove you
- If you spam me, I remove you
- Scheduled breaks: without any big dramatic status update or account deletion, I stop using social networks every so often. It's quite humbling to realize that everything will carry on just fine without you and it is very relieving to realize that you are missing nothing. If it's important your friends will call you: if it's not, it will wait.
- Stay Positive: if I'm having a bad day I call a friend, read a book, cuddle my pups or cry (folks never underestimate the healing power of a good old cry!!). I don't post it on Facebook. I feel stronger and more accomplished dealing with my own emotions. In the past I would post the obnoxiously vague status update, secretly hoping that it would make me feel better to have people comment on it ... it never did, I just felt more hopeless. Keeping my Facebook positive helps me to keep my thoughts positive and I avoid the trap of feeling bad for too long.
I try to do this as quietly and calmly as possible - always reducing the drama. My simple mantra is:
These simple rules helped me to regain some balance and grounding from where I was able to really assess what was going on. The idea presented by Dunbar's number that I need to reduce my social network (online or otherwise) to 150 people to avoid loneliness and depression just doesn't sit well with me.
As Buddhists say, we are all Inter-Beings, interacting in the "Interisness". The idea of limiting our social circle to 150 people strikes me as a very Western construct, based on the principle of individuality and detachment. I believe that you can create, and maintain deep and true connections with as many people as you meet, if you approach everyone from a place of non-attachment, love and 'oneness'. To understand that your words, thoughts, energy can impact everyone positively or negatively is a truly powerful realization. The key difference is detachment vs non-attachment. Knowing that we are all one but we are moving on our own path, and we have no right or will to control another. You cannot move into any relationship with an expectation. You can only give without any hope to receive. And yes, that is as hard as it sounds, but it is possible. The key, I think, is to recognize that there is only 1 person you will ever have a true life-long relationship with, only 1 person who will ever know your deepest desires, the words that hurt, the moments that make you smile, only 1 person with whom you will share everything. The person who sits here and reads this blog.
Take the time to get to know you. To be honest and open with yourself. Keep a journal and keep it positive - find all the reasons you are unique, amazing, awe inspiring and be grateful. And most importantly, give yourself a break. You can only do your best, stop expecting perfection. There will be days when the drama is intoxicating, days when you feel lonely and that's okay - have a strategy to pull you out, build your own rules whether that's finding a past time, picking up the phone with an old friend or sleeping it off, find what works and apply it as soon as you feel the blues set in.
Taking the time to remove yourself from the rush of information and opinions online provides you with the space to really understand yourself and your feelings. Take back control of your own happiness.
For me, taking responsibility for my own heart and finding the ability to enjoy my own company was a much more successful strategy than fretting over which 150 people would make my 'friend' list.
What a lovely surprise to discover how un-lonely being alone can be ~ Ellen Burstyn
No comments:
Post a Comment