Stop drinking the poison

I recently read an amazing quote from Nelson Mandela "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies".

Last year I went through an upset with someone I considered a dear friend, the whole episode left me very hurt and confused. Whilst the friendship will never be rebuilt, it was possible for me to forgive this person, I was able to see everything they were going through and how things could have been misconstrued. However, what truly hurt were the actions of others who jumped into the drama both feet and stirred everything up to boiling point. Every time I think of the episode I would get that sick feeling in my stomach that I had been wronged and something should be said. I would brood over Facebook posts (come on we've all done it), write and delete texts and emails and bitch endlessly about it to my friends going over and over how much I'd been hurt and how unfair it was. As girls we're all a little trained by shows like Sex In The City and Cosmo magazine, that the basis of any good friendship is the ability to get together over drinks and have a good old bitch session.

Don't get me wrong, I think the actions of the ... hmm what's a good word for sh*t-stirrer?! (sorry mum!)... was really unacceptable, however, my reaction to it caused me more heartache and sleepless nights then necessary.

It took me a while to realize but every time I wasted my energy on these negative emotions, the only person I was hurting was myself. Everyone else involved was getting on with their lives, enjoying themselves and I didn't even cross their minds.

I've come to take Mandela's quote truly to heart. If someone hurts me I try to run through a series of questions that always help calm my heart. Firstly, was it intentional? If not, can I empathize with what they are going through and offer forgiveness right off the bat? Secondly, do they realize they've hurt me? If not, would it help to clear things if I tell them or will it just stir up more problems? If they do, have they already apologized? I'm guilty of punishing people repeatedly for mistakes they've made even after they have asked for my forgiveness. It's easy to do, in an effort to protect ourselves we assume the worse, that someone will repeatedly hurt you if they have done it once, but this belief really constricts our relationships. It's important you do not take forgiveness lightly, if you offer it - it should be complete, not just until the next time you have a bad day comes around.

It's all a lot easier said than done but if we learn to accept emotions for all they are, waves of feelings, we are able to let go of them much more quickly. If you acknowledge the fact that someone has hurt you, and all the feelings that come with that - anger, hurt, embarrassment - you can drop them almost as quickly as they arise and go back to being happy and content.

If someone has hurt you beyond repair, accept that and move on.

If you're struggling with finding forgiveness, or accepting the feelings that surround it, try making a few small adjustments to your routine. Rather than sit down and bitch about the incident with your friends, take a step back and talk to them about what's making you happy right now. It's amazing how quickly you can find something positive to fill your life with.

If you're fighting your feelings, sit down and accept them, be sad, be angry and forgive yourself as much as you forgive others - we put so much pressure on ourselves to be pillars of strength we are angry if anyone hurts us, it's okay to let people in and it's okay to admit when someone hurts you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to let someone back into your life, but it does mean that you let go of the resentment you're holding on to and move on. The quicker you move on, the happier you'll be.