Learning to Listen

I’m the type of person who wants to help as much as possible. When I’m put into a situation where someone needs to talk I’m there ready and willing.

It has taken me some time to realize that, despite all my best intentions, whist I listen, I have a bad habit of always trying to “fix” the situation through offering advice or condolences. I play into my own need, and if I’m honest, my own ego that wants to ‘put things right’.

My advice and help always comes from the heart, which isn’t a bad start, but I still need to learn to listen instead of just hear.

As I delve into my Urban Zen training I have started to read and understand the importance of approaching situations lovingly and from a point of not-knowing. To take the time to really listen to people when they need to talk and to let them lead the conversation, taking note of what is not said as much as what is said, and most importantly to be okay with things not being okay.

I’ve often said during class that’s it’s perfectly okay to not be okay, to have an off day, to not feel great but still turn up and be present. The same is true of listening: it is okay to not be able to fix things, often people just need to talk and be heard.

I am slowly practicing the art of listening (because I believe it is indeed an art, and one that requires much practice). To step back from my need to make things better, and just let things be, allowing myself to be present to everything that comes up and therefore give my full attention whomever needs it.

If you find yourself falling into the same trap I do, try some of the following tricks:

*        Listen without agenda: allow the speaker to talk and hold your peace, notice what comes up for you, do you feel agitated, desperate to respond? It’s all good, just take a breath and carry on listening

*        Use a “speaking stick”: if you find, as I do, that you often interrupt to offer council, use a physical object to pass between yourself and the speaker. Allow them to determine when they want to hear your advice and when they just need a friend

*        Hold eye-contact: even when someone is opening up about a difficult or traumatic experience that you cannot change or fix, the intimacy of eye-contact can provide so much more solace than words

*        If you’re unsure, just ask: ask what the speaker needs. Do they want your opinions or do they just need to release a little?

*        Mind your energy: if you find that you are always on the receiving end make sure that you have your own outlets. If it feels like a draining, bad relationship where you are being used because you listen well – protect yourself by explaining clearly what you can and cannot provide. Be mindful of how much time and energy you are willing to spend and communicate that. Protect yourself so you avoid feeling overwrought and used which often leads to a need to find a ‘quick fix’ so you can move on. Remember that bringing bad energy into a relationship, no matter how well-intentioned, is more dangerous than no energy.

*        Do your best: no more, no less. You will have bad days, tired days, you will slip up and talk over people and interrupt, just keep coming back to your heart and try again, learning a little more each time.

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.Winston Churchill